As we approach the end of time, and the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ draws near, we find that Satan's attacks are concentrated more and more on the family lives of Christians. We see evidence of such attacks everywhere in the world today. It is essential, therefore, that we preserve our families within the boundaries of the teaching of God's Word if we are to glorify His name, fulfil His purposes, and preserve our children for His kingdom in these days.
The Christian life can be compared to a three-storey building. The foundation of the building is Christ Himself, in Whom we see God's perfect, eternal, and unchangeable love for us. We see God the Father loving us as much as He loved Jesus (John 17:23). And in Christ we have an unshakeable foundation for time and for eternity. The first storey of the building is our inner-life — our thought-life, our attitudes, and our motives. It is in our inner-life that we must maintain a clear conscience and walk in the light with God - for from it flows our outer-life. The second storey of the building is our family-life — the loving relationships within our family and the godly way in which our children are brought up. The third storey of the building is the church and our fellowship and service therein— our serving the Lord, doing His work according to His will, and building His church in purity on earth.
We need the power of the Holy Spirit if we are to build these three storeys as an unshakeable structure. The big mistake many Christian workers are making today is that they engage in the Lord's ministry (building the third storey) without having built a solid inner-life (first storey) or a godly family life (second storey). And it is in the second storey (family-life) particularly where most Christian workers have fallen short. Their relationship with their wives at home are dishonouring to the Lord and their children, very often, are not walking in the ways of the Lord. This is not something I am criticizing them for. Judgement and criticism are easy and cost us nothing. But I grieve because the name of the Lord Jesus is dishonoured by such Christian workers. Our calling is not to criticize them but to show by our life’s example how to bring up godly families. That is the "more excellent way" and that is the purpose of this book.
The Word of God contains the Manufacturer's instructions for the family-life. It was God Who ordained marriage first of all - and He has told us in His Word how to have the best family-life possible. Follow His instructions and you cannot go wrong. Even if you have destroyed your family-life in the past by foolish mistakes, you can still set things right. There is no pit so deep that the Lord cannot pull you out! There is no state of death from which the Lord cannot bring a resurrection! Praise the Lord!
I have not written this book as an expert on family-life. For many years, I was hesitant to write any book on this subject because I have made many mistakes — both as a husband and as a father. But I have learnt some lessons from my mistakes, and God has had mercy on me and my family during these past many years.
On June 19th, 2025, my wife and I completed 57 years of married life together. We are today far happier in the Lord, and we love each other far more than on the day we were married. We have had our share of trials and ups and downs as a family, but God has taken us through all of them triumphantly. We have four sons, and they are all born again and baptized. They are today following the Lord in the calling God has for their own lives. We give God all the glory for this because it was all His doing - despite all the mistakes we made as parents. We did however pray for them regularly, and God, in His infinite mercy, answered our prayers.
May the Lord use this book to help you and challenge you to live for His glory alone as a family.
Bangalore
A fellow pilgrim,
June 2025
Zac Poonen
Chapter 1
Christian Marriage – A Beautiful Garden
On the very first day God made Adam, He gave him two gifts: the garden of Eden to cultivate and keep (Genesis 2:15) and a wife as a helper “suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). So, Adam had a responsibility to cultivate and keep the garden of Eden as well as a responsibility to cultivate and keep his relationship with his wife. But Adam failed in both responsibilities. He allowed Satan to come in and destroy both “gardens.” His marriage, which should have been like a beautiful garden, ended up as a wilderness full of thorns and thistles.
When God first brought Eve to Adam, Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh… For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:23, 24). Satan, however, was determined to separate what God had joined together. We must never forget that Satan is active today as well. Satan is very crafty. He came through the serpent which was craftier than any beast of the field (Genesis 3:1). His aim was to separate man from God as well as from his wife.
On the day of the wedding and immediately thereafter, in the midst of all the celebrations and excitement, the bridegroom and the bride would not like to think about Satan and his evil ways. But we must face reality and recognize that the devil will try every possible means to destroy Christian marriages. Satan not only came between Adam and God that day, but also between Adam and his wife. Adam and Eve were not only separated from God, but also from each other. When the devil separates a man from God, he also separates him from his fellow human beings.
Cultivating the Marriage
When the devil is allowed to come between a husband and wife, their marriage will begin to become like a wilderness. Proverbs 24:30-32 says, “I passed by the field of the sluggard and by the vineyard of the man lacking sense, and behold, it was completely overgrown with thistles; its surface was covered with nettles, and its stone wall was broken down.When I saw, I reflected upon it; I looked and received instruction.” When a garden is neglected, it quickly starts to become overgrown. You don’t have to sow weeds, thorns, and thistles into a garden because they will come up by themselves. If you pass by two houses and see that one of them has a beautiful garden and the other has a garden which is overgrown and looks more like a wilderness, you wouldn’t assume that the beautiful garden got there automatically. The man with the beautiful garden must have laboured and took pains to make it beautiful. In contrast, you wouldn’t assume that the man with the overgrown garden put in a lot of effort to make it like that – his garden became a wilderness through neglect.
The same principle applies in marriage as well. If you see a beautiful marriage, you can be certain that it didn’t become beautiful automatically. Both husband and wife worked to make it beautiful. It is impossible for any marriage to become like a beautiful garden without both husband and wife pulling out weeds and watering it regularly. In contrast, if you neglect your marriage, it will become like a wilderness automatically.
Earlier, we saw in Proverbs 24:30 the condition of the field of a lazy man. He didn’t go around sowing thistles and nettles in his field. He just slept and neglected it. Years later, it was covered with thorns. God’s Word goes on to say, “As I looked, I learned this lesson: A little extra sleep, A little more slumber, A little folding of the hands to rest – and poverty will break in upon you like a robber” (Proverbs 24:32-34 – The Living Bible). Similarly, if you are not careful, the devil will come into your home like a robber – slowly but surely – to destroy your marriage relationship. It won’t happen overnight. A wilderness doesn’t develop in just two or three days. You may imagine that all is well, but if you neglect to cultivate your marriage, it will definitely become a wilderness over time. The Lord placed Adam in the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it and to keep the devil outside. But Satan got into Adam’s heart and came in between him and Eve as well – and destroyed their relationship.
Respecting God’s Order in the Home
How did Adam and Eve’s relationship go from a beautiful garden to a wilderness? The first thing we notice is that Eve made the most critical decision that any human being has ever made all by herself, without consulting her husband (Genesis 3:6). This is how sin came into the human race – and it was also the beginning of Adam and Eve’s beautiful marriage turning into a wilderness. This point is something that wives in particular need to remember. What happened to Eve when she made the decision by herself and wanted her husband to follow her? She ended up acquiring a little bit of Satan’s spirit – the spirit of rebellion and unwillingness to submit to authority. God had placed Adam as the head over Eve, but Eve didn’t bother to consult her husband.
Once the spirit of rebellion has entered a wife’s heart, she will also pass on the infection to her children. We read about that in the very next chapter of Genesis. Eve’s firstborn son, Cain, also manifested a spirit of rebellion against authority. Where did he get that infection? From his mother. And the infection was so bad that he killed his own brother. Then the infection also spread to Eve’s grandchildren and eventually, to the entire human race. By the time we reach the end of Genesis 4, we see Abel is dead, Cain is a castaway, and Cain’s descendants are indulging in increasing evil. Look at the mess that was created. If Eve were to realise that Cain got his rebellious spirit from her, she wouldn’t blame Cain. She would only judge herself. If you have rebellious children, don’t blame them. Judge yourself and pray that God would restore a spirit of submission in your family.
It’s important to note that this mess was not entirely Eve’s fault. I used to think that Eve was alone near the forbidden tree when Satan spoke to her and that Adam was elsewhere, but then I discovered that Adam was right next to her the whole time. We read in Genesis 3:6 that Eve saw the tree was good for food, a delight to the eyes, and that the fruit could make her wise. Then it says she took the fruit, ate it, and gave it to her husband “who was with her.” Adam was there watching his wife take headship of the house – and he did nothing about it. He just stood there like many dumb husbands do today, watching the devil control their wives while they run the show at home. Why didn’t Adam tell her not to take the fruit? Because he was a coward, afraid of hurting his wife. So instead of stopping her, he followed her. God later rebuked Adam for listening to his wife. What a lesson for husbands to learn: husbands should ensure that God’s order is established in the home with the husband as the head and the wife in joyful submission. So, we see that the cause of this mess was two-fold: Adam did not take his rightful place as the head of the home, and Eve did not consult her husband with an attitude of submission. These are important lessons to learn right at the beginning of human history.
The Spirit of Submission
Although Adam and Eve sinned, it was Satan who instigated it all. Satan has come as a thief to steal, kill and destroy marriages which God intended to be like beautiful gardens (John 10:10). But our Lord Jesus Christ overcame the devil, who had the spirit of rebellion, with the spirit of submission. So, we see that the spirit of submission is far more powerful than the spirit of rebellion. If you want to be a spiritually powerful wife, you must learn to have the spirit of submission first to God and then to God-appointed human authorities. Jesus had this spirit of submission. Peter tells wives in 1 Peter 3:1, “In the same way (as Jesus), you wives, be submissive to your own husbands.” Then he explains why: there is such a power in the spirit of submission that even if the husband is disobedient to the Word of God, he can be won to Christ by the wife’s conduct, without her speaking a single word. It’s possible that a man who is disobedient to the Word of God is a slave of the devil. The devil is like a roaring lion, and unbelieving husbands are like his cubs. Who is powerful enough to snatch away this cub from the lion and bring the cub into the kingdom of God? A submissive wife. She can win her husband to the Lord “without preaching one word” to him. Such is the power of submission.
We read in Proverbs 14:1, “A wise woman builds her house, but the foolish woman tears it down with her hands.” The Scripture does not say that a wise man builds the house, but a wise woman. The wise wife is the one who builds the house. How? By the spirit of submission. But if she has the spirit of rebellion against her husband, who is God’s representative in the home, then she will tear down her own house. A rebellious wife actually destroys her own home. She turns her garden into a wilderness.
The Spirit of Accusation
As mentioned earlier, it is not only the woman who failed in Eden. The man failed too. The devil had come to separate what God had joined together. When God asked Adam, “Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:11), there was only one possible right answer: ‘Yes, Lord. I’m sorry. I did eat of the tree which You forbade.’ But instead of taking the blame, Adam pointed his finger at his wife and blamed her for giving him the fruit. This pointing of the finger at others has now become a familiar habit in the human race. It is always someone else’s fault. And here lies yet another reason for the garden becoming a wilderness – the spirit of accusation.
It is easy for a man to misuse his headship and to think that he doesn’t have to judge himself. Many men feel that it is always their wives who are wrong. One wife even said, ‘My husband thinks that God and he are the only two people in the universe who never make any mistakes!!’ There are many husbands who give the impression that they are never wrong. There are husbands who have never once in their lives apologized to their wife for anything. When a husband never apologizes, he thinks that he is like God. He thinks the fault is always with his wife or his children. That is how he makes his garden into a wilderness.
So, we must be on guard against these two spirits: the spirit of rebellion and the spirit of accusation.
The Way of the Cross
Jesus never pointed a finger of accusation at anyone. In fact, He did the opposite. The devil is the accuser of all believers (Revelation 12:10), but Jesus is the intercessor for all believers (Hebrews 7:25). He took the blame for the sins of the whole world upon Himself, even when He never sinned. The spirit of Christ is to take the blame even when it is not your fault. If that spirit can come into a home, and both husband and wife are gripped by the message of judging oneself, that home will be like a heavenly garden. The Bible says that judgement must begin in the house of God (1 Peter 4:17). How can I make my home God’s home as well? By judging myself and getting rid of the pointing finger. Even if much of the fault in a situation was with your partner, there still must have been some fault in you as well. Even if you are 99% right, you are still 1% at fault. God alone is 100% perfect and never makes a mistake. The rest of us all make mistakes. We must always remember that.
We must pray and ask God to show us our faults, however insignificant they may be, and leave the faults of others for God to judge. God’s Word says, “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Very often you find that a husband and wife’s love for each other is so shallow that they cannot even cover one sin in the other person - let alone a multitude of sins. They may not admit it, but they have a spirit of accusation deep in their hearts over little faults committed by the other person. Then when some big crisis hits, out comes all those accumulated accusations, one after another, in a torrent. That is a guaranteed way to make your garden into a wilderness. Such foolish believers tear down their homes with their words and attitudes. They would never think of tearing down their physical home, but they tear down their relationship which is far more important than a physical building. You care for your house by cleaning the windows and the floors and dusting the chairs. Why don’t you care for your relationship which is a million times more important? God placed you together as husband and wife and wants to preserve your relationship as a beautiful garden.
A Tongue that is a Tree of Life
Another way a garden can become a wilderness is through a nagging wife. The Bible says, “It is better to live in a wilderness, than with a contentious, vexing, nagging, scolding, angry, irritable wife” (Proverbs 21:19 – paraphrase). It also says, “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike” (Proverbs 27:15). A nagging wife is like a small hole in the roof from which rain drips down one drop at a time. It is not a torrent of rain. It is just a drip, drip, drip – of complaints, criticisms, accusations, and anger – one drop at a time! It would be impossible to sleep under such a roof which constantly drips! It goes on in the next verse to say that to try and restrain such a nagging woman would be like trying stop the wind (Proverbs 27:16)!!
Why does the Word of God speak about nagging, scolding women and not men? Because this is a particular area of temptation for women, just like sexual temptation is for men. Sisters who realize what God’s Word says about this sin will be very careful. We see from these verses that a woman can make her home like a wilderness just with her tongue! And not only women, but men too. When the tongue is unrestrained and accusatory, angry words will come out like a hot summer wind drying up everything in the garden. It is amazing to see how foolish people are, allowing such blasts of hot air to destroy their homes.
But Proverbs 15:4 speaks about the opposite of a nagging tongue: “A soothing (healing) tongueis a tree of life.” The tree of life is the tree God placed in the garden of Eden, and your relationship can be like the garden of Eden if both husband and wife long to have a soothing, healing tongue. Perhaps a wound came through an unkind word spoken by your partner. What are you going to do about that? Let your tongue become a tree of life in that situation and your home will become like the garden of Eden. But if you choose to retort and answer with the same stinging words as your partner, then the blasts of hot air will wither every tree and plant in your garden. The second part of Proverbs 15:4 says, “Perversion in the tongue crushes the spirit.” You must be very careful not to say anything that crushes another person’s spirit. Be careful that you don’t crush the little buds that are beginning to grow in the garden of your marriage.
A Root of Bitterness
Colossians 3:19 says, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter against them.” This is an exhortation for husbands, but in our context can be equally applied to wives as well. A husband or wife can make the marriage garden a wilderness through the spirit of bitterness. This is not just referring to speaking a bitter word - it is referring to bitterness in the heart.
Hebrews 12:15 warns us against having a root of bitterness. Bitterness starts as a root in the heart. The fruit of that bitterness may take a long time to come - a bitter word or a bitter expression in the face or in your body-language. But this verse says to watch out even for the root. If a little bitterness arises in your heart towards your partner because of something he/she said or did, or because of the way he/she behaved, or maybe because you feel that that your partner is too attached to his/her parents, that is a small root. You may not have said anything, but you have allowed that tiny seed to take root in your heart.
Do you think that root will just remain there without growing? No. The devil will water it, cultivate it, and make it grow. Satan is very interested in cultivating such roots of bitterness so that they grow and produce fruits of bitterness – in our words and actions. Those roots will one day kick up a storm in your house. So, it’s important to pull out those bitter feelings right in the beginning when they are still at the root stage.
God appointed the man to “keep the garden” in Eden, and He gave him a wife to be his helper. The way to keep the garden of marriage is by guarding your relationship from the evils that we have just considered – the spirits of rebellion and accusation, nagging and scolding, and bitterness. If you learn these truths at the beginning of your married life, and take them seriously, you can have a glorious marriage – a foretaste of heaven on earth.
Turning the Wilderness into a Garden
We’ve already considered how to prevent a garden from becoming a wilderness. But what if your garden has already become a wilderness? Let’s consider how a wilderness can be restored into a garden again.
God gives us two great promises. The first is Isaiah 51:3 - “The Lord will make her wilderness like Eden and her desert like the garden of the Lord.” What a wonderful promise that is! Ask the Lord to fulfil that in your life. If you don’t ask, you won’t get it. James 4:1 says, “You do not have because you do not ask.” Ask the Lord to restore your wilderness into the Garden of Eden as He has promised.
The second promise comes from Ezekiel 36:34-36, “The desolate land will be cultivated instead of being a desolation in the sight of everyone who passes by. They will say, `This desolate land has become like the garden of Eden.’ I, the LORD, have spoken and will do it.” This speaks of a marriage which is so bad that even people passing by could see its state. But God says He will restore even such a messed-up marriage, and those who saw it as desolate will say that it has now become like the garden of Eden.
After reading these wonderful promises, it’s important to remember that you will not be able to restore the wilderness of your marriage into a garden without the help of the Holy Spirit - not by marriage counselling techniques or by reading many books, but only through the help of the Holy Spirit. God has promised us his Holy Spirit in Ezekiel 36:26: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh; I will put My Spirit within you.” In Genesis 2:10, we read that there was a river that flowed through the garden of Eden. That river is a picture of the Holy Spirit flowing through the middle of our marriage-garden, making everything fresh.
When we acknowledge our helplessness in restoring our wilderness into a garden and we cry out to God for help, He will help us! Psalms 127:1 says, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labour in vain who try to build it.” All our labouring to restore our marriage into a garden will be in vain unless the Lord helps us. And even if we have a garden currently, we will be unable to protect it from becoming a wilderness unless the Lord guards it.
How is it in your marriage relationship today? Is it a wilderness? Have you given up hope that your marriage can ever be restored to a garden? Do you say, “It is impossible to have a garden with the partner I have”? That is exactly what the devil wants you to say. But we must never give up hope. Now that you have seen God’s promises of restoration, claim them by faith for your marriage. Ezekiel 36:37 says, “Thus says the Lord, I will wait until they ask Me to do it for them.” It is only when we ask God that He will do it for us. So, you must come to the Lord and say, “Lord, I believe you can do this in my marriage! I won’t give up hope.”
As long as the husband does not love his wife like Christ loved the church, things are not as they should be. And as long as the wife does not submit to her husband as the church is subject to Christ, things are not as they should be. These are the high standards that God has set for us. Acknowledge your need and ask the Lord to help you. His response will be, “I will take away your hard heart and give you a soft one” (Ezekiel 36:26).
The Pharisees once asked Jesus why Moses permitted divorce. His reply was that it was because the Israelites’ hearts were hard and stony (Matthew 19:8). That is how all hearts were under the old covenant. When God wrote His commandments on two tablets of hard rock in Exodus, it were as if He was trying to tell the people, “It is easier for me to write my commandments on these rocks than on your hearts. Your hearts are harder than these rocks.” But in the new covenant, God promises: “I will write My laws in your heart and in your mind” (Hebrews 8:10). How does he do that? By giving us a soft heart – one that is tender and quick to judge oneself rather than other people. God is now able to write His laws upon our hearts through the power of the Holy Spirit. Thus, our wilderness can be restored into a garden.
A Cross, a Tomb and a Garden
We have already looked at the garden of Eden, but I want to point out another garden we find in scripture. In John 19:41, it says, “In the place where Jesus was crucified, there was a garden.” What can we glean from this as we seek to build our marriage into a garden? It is this: in the place where we are willing to be crucified with Christ, there will be a garden. This is what begins the restoration process. In our relationship with one another, we must be willing to be crucified and fall into the ground and die. When things are not exactly the way you want them to be – the food is not ready on time and you are late for work, or your clothes are not properly washed and ironed, and you run the risk of being ridiculed at work – that is the time to die. Why do you want the empty honour of men? Your relationship with your wife is far more important than what somebody in the office thinks about your shirt. And dear wife, when your husband does something you can’t understand, if you choose to die, there will be a garden. In the place where you are crucified, there will be a garden.
We also read in the same verse that there was a tomb in that garden. This is important as well – we need a place where we can bury certain things of the past, roll a stone over them, and never allow them to come to our minds again – a grave that you never, ever dig up! Do you have such a grave in your relationship with your marriage partner? Make sure there is a grave where all the evil things of the past can be buried – permanently. As soon as you see some fault in your partner, something not to your liking, run to that grave, bury it, and roll a stone over it. Be quick to put all that into the grave; don’t let dead matter lie outside the grave. Give it a quick burial!
Wherever there is a cross and a grave in your relationship, there will be a garden. We must take the word of God seriously. Every word of God is inspired by the Holy Spirit and it is not without significance that these words are written here. You have tried other methods, and you haven’t succeeded in making a garden yet. Why not try what the word of God says now?
A Garden Full of Fruit
If you are convicted about what you have read thus far, go to the Lord immediately and repent. You can make a new beginning today and you will see the garden start to grow. Instead of those ugly things you have seen thus far, you will see the fruit of the Holy Spirit growing in this garden. The Holy Spirit’s virtues are called fruit, and fruit does not grow in a factory. Fruit grows in a garden! What we need in our homes is the fruit of the Holy Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).
Finally, when we get a garden in our marriage full of fruit, what should we do? Should we boast about it? Not at all. Let’s look at the conversation between the bride and her groom in Song of Solomon 4:12-5:1. The bridegroom says, ‘‘My bride is a garden that is locked (exclusively mine); and the bride says, “Come O north wind and south wind. Make my garden breathe out fragrance. May my Beloved come into His garden and eat its choice fruits” (Song of Solomon 4:16).
What this is saying is that we should present our garden with its fragrance and choice fruits to the Lord. We should say, “Lord, this beautiful relationship between me and my spouse is not for public show. It is for you, our beloved Lord. You were the One who joined us together so that we can be one. You were so disappointed when you saw our relationship like a wilderness. But now Lord, come into this garden of our relationship and find satisfaction. We are not seeking to show off our relationship and get honour from men. We only want to satisfy Your heart.” Then the Lord will respond by saying, “I have come into My garden, My bride (bride refers to the husband and wife together)” (Song of Solomon 5:1). It is wonderful when our only motive is to satisfy the heart of the Lord.
May the Lord open your eyes to see the disappointment in His heart as He looks at so many marriages that are like wildernesses. And may you have a great passion to make your marriage into a garden which Jesus can come and find satisfaction. Amen.
Chapter 2
Relationships In Marriage
After creating the sun, moon, stars, and animals, God finally said, “Let us make man in our image according to our likeness” (Genesis 1:26). God made them male and female and conducted the first ever marriage. Notice that among all that God created, only man and woman were made in His image.
One quality of God that man and woman were to reflect was love. God is love, and there was a relationship of love that existed between the three Persons of the trinity from all eternity, before anything was created. In the human race too, God wanted the man and his wife to have the same love relationship that existed between the Father and the Son. This was implied when God said, “Let us make man in our image.” The image of God is not physical - it is love. But this love could not be manifested if the man was all by himself. There had to be another person, for love can’t be manifested when a person is all by himself. So, God made a woman, and the man and woman’s mutual relationship was to be like that of the Father with the Son.
Love and Submission
In 1 Corinthians 11:3, we read that the Head of Christ is God, and Christ is the head of the man, and man is the head of woman. Here head is not referring to the head of a department but to the head of the human body. The relationship between husband and wife should be like what God the Father had with Christ on earth – perfect oneness. Jesus obeyed His Father like the members of a body obey the head. The Father also cared for Jesus just as the head (brain) cares for every part of the body. The members of our body are never in competition with our head. There is never any desire to be separate from one another. That is how the Father and the Son related to each other while Jesus was on earth. That is also how the church should work with Christ. And that is how a husband and wife should relate to each other too. This cannot be attained to in a day, but it is the goal towards which every husband and wife must strive every day of their married life.
When a couple gets married, they are two independent persons who have lived their own individual lives for many years. After marriage, God sets this goal of unity and oneness before them. In order to achieve this goal, a wife must submit to her husband. This is not any indication of her inferiority. It is only the order that God planned for marriage. God the Father and Christ were equal from all eternity, yet Christ submitted joyfully to the Father just as the human body joyfully obeys the head. The body does not have any lust to rule over the head, and the head does not do anything that will harm the body. This is the beautiful relationship that a Christian husband and wife should have with each other.
The Secret of Oneness
In Genesis 2, we read about the creation of Adam and Eve. God first made Adam from the ground. When He wanted to provide a companion to Adam, He put him to sleep, pulled a rib out of him, and made woman out of that rib. He then presented her to Adam as his wife. But before Adam ever saw or knew Eve, he knew God. The first person he knew was not his wife – it was God. Only after having known God did he meet his wife. It must be thus in marriage too – a man must know God first and then his wife. God must be between man and his wife. Then only will the marriage glorify God.
Eve also met God before she met Adam, because Adam was asleep when God made her. It was God who took her and presented her to Adam, her future husband. So, she also knew God first before knowing her husband. From this, we learn that in order to have a perfect union between husband and wife in a marriage, Jesus Christ must be supreme in their affection. Wherever there is a lack of unity between husband and wife, it is an indication that, in one or both of their lives, Jesus Christ does not have the first place. If a husband gives first place to Jesus in everything and does not seek his own in any area, and if his wife also gives first place to Jesus and does not seek her own in anything, you can be absolutely certain that they will have a heavenly marriage. When God is given His rightful place, the marriage becomes glorious – free from anger, quarrelling, suspicion, etc. Problems in marriage arise only because God is not given His rightful place.
Leaving and Cleaving
After conducting the first marriage, God gave a command that every man (at the point he gets married) should “leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife” (Genesis 2:24). The woman is given a similar command in Psalm 45:10 to “forget her father’s house.”
This is a big challenge for people in Eastern countries like India, especially. Their parents have taken care of them for 25 or 30 years from the time of their birth, and suddenly God says, “You must leave them.” Yet God’s ways are best for a happy marriage. If you do not obey this word of God, you are sure to have problems in your married life. This leaving is not primarily physical – in the sense of living in a separate house – for some men are very poor when they get married and cannot immediately afford to move into a separate house. This leaving refers primarily to a detachment from one’s parents and an attachment to one’s wife when making decisions. There are many married couples who live in separate homes from their parents, yet whose decisions are controlled by their parents. So, a physical leaving is not sufficient.
This does not mean, however, that we don’t care for our parents after marriage. On the contrary, we must care for our parents and provide for them as long as they are alive. Jesus cared and provided for His mother even when he was hanging on the cross. The Holy Spirit has also said that if a believer does not care for his widowed mother, he is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). But at the same time, Jesus did not allow his mother to decide anything in his life once he left her home (See John 2:4).
To use an illustration: When a baby comes out of its mother’s womb, the umbilical cord is cut off immediately – even though that was the channel of life for that baby for nine months. If the umbilical cord is not cut, the baby will die. In the same way, there must be a cutting off from the attachment to one’s parents if a marriage is to remain alive. There must be no delay in doing this, just as there is no delay in cutting the umbilical cord after a baby is born. It was God’s will for you to be attached to your parents for all the years that you lived with them, but once you are married, it is equally God’s will that you be attached to your spouse.
Leaving and cleaving are not automatic - they require effort. A husband and wife cleaving to each other can be thought of as attaching two sheets of paper together using bonding material like araldite. Once bonded, it is impossible to peel these two sheets apart. If you try, you will tear the pages. They have become one. Once upon a time, they were two pages. But now they are one. Even so in a marriage, when the Lord Jesus takes first place, He will hold the husband and wife together.
Persevering in Unity
After some years of marriage, most husbands and wives stop speaking politely to each other. Their conversation becomes crude, and they often shout and yell at each other. But what if Jesus were physically sitting between the husband and wife? How would they talk to each other? Or what if an angel were present? Hebrews 1:14 says that God’s angels are always with His children, serving them. How sad those angels must be at what they hear. If we would only realize that Jesus is in our midst trying to hold us together, and the angels are around us to protect us, we would be much more careful about how we speak to one another.
The Bible says that “those who get married will have more trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28). Trials and difficulties are part of life, and we cannot escape them. There can even be problems in our marriage caused by interfering relatives. But husbands and wives should use such pressures to press themselves closer to each other – not allow them to bring a distance in their marriage.
In all conversation, a husband and wife must remain aware of the fact that Jesus is between them at all times. Consider how you would speak to each other if a godly man were with you all the time. You wouldn’t argue or fight in his presence. What should your attitude then be when Jesus Himself is there between you? Jesus is always there in your home – in the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the sitting room, everywhere. He is seeking to hold you both close to each other so that no one can separate you. The Holy Spirit says that husband and wife are to be “heirs together of the grace of life” – not individual or separate heirs (1 Peter 3:7). That is what Jesus wants. So, you must learn to respect His presence in your home.
In Ephesians 5:28-31, we read that husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. What a wonderful standard that is. If you are a husband, your wife is part of your own body. You care for your body very carefully. So must you care for your wife. You never expose your body to anyone. Neither must you expose your wife’s weaknesses to anyone – unless you both are in need of marital counselling from a godly older brother.
Shepherd Leadership
A man is called to be the head of his home. There are many types of “heads” in the world today – dictators, tyrants, bossy business managers, etc. Jesus, however, said that His leadership was like that of a shepherd who goes before his sheep. This is the way a husband must lead his wife as her head as well.
Similar to shepherds, butchers also lead their sheep (albeit to the slaughterhouse). But they drive the sheep from behind with a stick. If a sheep moves slightly out of line, it gets a whack from the stick! The shepherd, however, leads his sheep from the front, showing the way they should go. A true spiritual shepherd tells his sheep, ‘Follow my example as I follow Christ’s example.’ That is how a husband should lead his wife. If your wife is not spiritually-minded, don’t complain about it. Bear with her, forgive her, overlook her faults, pray for her, and show her the right way by example. On the other hand, if you lose your temper when she makes a mistake, then you are a butcher and not a shepherd.
The relationship between Christ and the church is also likened to the relationship between the head (brain) and the body. The husband is called to be the head of his wife in the same way. A head by itself is useless without a body. The head (brain) can think up many wonderful plans, but it cannot execute any of those plans without a body. Therefore, the head needs the body. The head is also sensitive to the needs of the body. Whenever there is some pain or discomfort in the body, the head sends help by supplying medicine or some other remedy. So also, the husband should be sensitive to the needs of his wife.
Valuing the Helper
Adam was incomplete when he was created, and God gave him a wife to make him complete. If you break an eggshell into two halves, both will have many jagged edges with projections and depressions. They are exactly opposite each other. Wherever there is a projection in one half, there is a corresponding depression in the other. When you put the two halves together, they fit perfectly. That is how it is in a marriage planned by God.
God spoke of Eve as a helper, exactly suited for Adam. Wherever he had a limitation, she would be strong. And wherever he was strong, he could strengthen his wife’s weakness. This is God’s way. Adam could not manifest the image of God alone. He needed Eve’s help.
There are many things a husband cannot accomplish without his wife. God gives you a wife who is exactly opposite to you. If you make the two halves of an eggshell identical, you won’t be able to put them together and make them a whole. They won’t fit with each other. So, don’t try to make your wife or husband like yourself. Many are trying to change their spouses to be like themselves. If you do that, you can never become one with your spouse. When a wife is different from her husband, she can present a viewpoint that the husband cannot see. Thank God for that. For example, if a couple is planning to buy a house, and the husband photographs the house from the north side, and the wife photographs it from the south side, the two pictures will look completely different. But when these pictures are placed together, the couple will get a more complete view of the house. It would be foolish for the husband to force his wife to photograph the house from the same side that he did. That is the folly of many husbands who force their wives to have the same viewpoint on everything as themselves. Allow your wife or your husband to be different from you – the way God has made her/him.
You must also remember that you cannot change habits that your partner acquired from childhood suddenly upon marrying him or her. For example, you may be neat and tidy because you were brought up in that way. Your spouse, however, may be one who scatters things all over the house! You may imagine that you are perfect, but you are not. You have other weaknesses that your spouse may not have. Your strength may be in the areas of neatness and tidiness, but you also likely have weaknesses in areas where your spouse is strong. Maybe you are proud of your neatness! You probably didn’t see this pride as a weakness! So, remember that both of you have plenty of opportunities to bear with each other’s weaknesses until you see a change. This bearing with one another will sanctify both of you.
God leads two people into marriage so that, together, they can manifest the character and nature of God to the world. Just as the church, not any one individual, can display the character and work of Jesus on earth, a husband can manifest God’s nature only with his wife’s help. If a husband and wife truly want to follow Jesus and manifest his character, they should be willing to do dirty jobs for each other — just as Jesus washed the feet of His disciples.
If a strain or tension develops between husband and wife (as can easily happen in any marriage), who should take the first step to restore the relationship — the husband or the wife? To find the answer, let’s look at when there was a broken relationship between God and man. Who took the first step in that situation? It was God. Why? Because He is more spiritual. He didn’t wait for man to come and reconcile with Him. He took the first step. We learn from God’s example that whoever is more spiritual should take the first step to restore the relationship in a marriage. Since both husband and wife usually imagine themselves to be more spiritual than the other, what should we find? We should find both of them running into each others’ arms without any delay as soon as a strain develops between them. Don’t try to ascertain whose fault it was. Jesus didn’t do that. He simply took the blame for our sins.
As a shepherd and leader in the home, the husband cannot afford to get upset. 1 Peter 3:7 says that the wife is “the weaker vessel.” But if the husband gets upset, that proves that he is the weaker vessel. If you are a man, show your strength and manliness by the fact that you never get upset, even if your wife gets upset. This is the way we must deny ourselves and die to ourselves.
The Glory of Submission
We read in Ephesians 5:24 that the wife should submit to her husband just as the church submits to Christ. How do you, as a wife, react to this command? Jesus said, “If you love me, keep my commandments” (John 14:15). The Lord calls us to the obedience of love. If a wife feels compelled to submit to her husband and therefore does so reluctantly, that is not what God expects. Submission must be done out of love. The glory of a woman is seen in her joyful, loving submission to the command of Christ. She must see herself as submitting to Christ Himself when she obeys His command to submit to her husband.
Jesus himself has shown us the glory of submission through His life. While he was on earth, He always submitted to His Father joyfully. Wives are called to submit to their husbands exactly as Jesus submitted to His Father. 1 Corinthians 11:3 says, “Man is the head of the woman and God is the Head of Christ.” Satan was the opposite of Jesus and rebelled against God’s authority. Now he infects wives around the world with his spirit of rebellion. All wives should beware of being infected with his spirit. I want to encourage every wife to learn to submit to your husband joyfully. That is the God-appointed way, and that is how Jesus lived to set us an example.
It is interesting to see that God gave the title of ‘helper’ to Eve in Genesis 2:18. The same title given to the Holy Spirit in John 14:16. In the same way that the Holy Spirit encourages believers, God asks the wife to encourage her husband in his work and in the battles of life. Wives, think of your ministry exactly like that of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit encourages and strengthens us in hidden ways as our Helper, even though we cannot see Him. In the same way, a wife should encourage and help her husband in a hidden, unseen way.
Dear wife, do you want to be the queen in your house? Then make your husband your king. Then, as the king’s wife, you will automatically be the queen. In spiritual matters, encourage your husbands. If he is weak spiritually, encourage him to take the lead. Encourage him to lead family prayer and to discipline the children. In these ways, as a wise woman, you can build your home on a good foundation (Proverbs 14:1).
Chapter 3
Building A Sanctuary For God
When God brought Israel out of their bondage in Egypt and was leading them through the wilderness, He commanded them, “Let them make a sanctuary for Me that I may dwell among them” (Exodus 25:8). This sanctuary was called the Tabernacle and was later replaced by the temple after the Israelites entered Canaan.
We see from this verse that God had a desire to dwell in the midst of his people. Since the coming of Christ, God no longer dwells in any earthly building. He now seeks to dwell in human hearts and homes. The Lord speaks even today, ‘Build a sanctuary (holy place) for Me that I may dwell with you.’ It is with that purpose that God unites a husband and wife in marriage. They must build their home as a holy place for God to dwell with them.
Building a Home for God’s Glory
Generally, when people get married, they think of building a home for themselves. That is what every non-Christian couple has as their aim. But as believers, if we are to honor the Lord Jesus Christ and His Word, we should not build a home for ourselves. We should build a sanctuary for God to dwell in. This is the fundamental difference between a truly Christian home and a non-Christian home. It is because this is not the aim of many believers that we see so much misery and ungodliness in their homes. They built their home for themselves and not for God.
When people get married, they have great hopes about how happy they are going to be. But six months down the line, as reality settles in, it is a different story altogether. They constantly bicker and yell at each other. By the time they reach their tenth anniversary, many couples are sick and tired of each other. Why is that? Because they were selfishly building a house for themselves. But the word of God teaches us that we can have a happy married life only if we seek to glorify God and build our home for Him.
The purpose of God for married couples is the same as His purpose was for the Israelites in the Old Testament. He brings people together in marriage so that they might build a home for His glory. In Exodus, God gave the Israelites precise building plans for the tabernacle, and they were to build it exactly as He commanded. The Israelites were humble enough to follow God’s plan exactly. As a result, the glory of the Lord rested upon that tabernacle (Exodus 40:34). You also must build your home exactly according to God's plan if you want the glory of God to dwell in your home. Seek to build your marriage exactly as the Lord has commanded in Scripture. Then the glory of God will rest upon your home as well.
Building a Home According to God’s Order
We see bitterness, jealousy, grumbling, and the love of money in many Christian homes. This is not much different from a non-Christian home. The reason is clear: God's glory cannot fill the home, because the couple has not sought to build it according to God's word. Instead, they built their home according to their own reason.
In 1 Corinthians 11:3, we see clearly God's order for the home: “Christ is the head of the man and man is the head of the woman.” We often see these words on a wooden plaque in Christian homes – ‘‘Christ is the head of this home.’’ But in reality, Christ is not the head of the home. When God made Adam and Eve, He gave Adam as the head to Eve. God Himself was the head of Adam. After God joined them together, the very next thing we read in Scripture is that Satan entered the scene. This teaches us that, even today, as soon as God joins a man and woman together in marriage, Satan will come. So, we must be alert. Satan must not be able to enter our homes.
How did Satan get into that first home? It is that Adam and Eve did not follow God's order. When Satan came to Eve and suggested that she disobey God’s command, she should have said, “Well Satan, I can’t take this decision on my own. God has given me a head. Let me consult him first and then I will answer you.” What a different story it would have been if she had done that! But she carried on a discussion with Satan and finally took a decision without consulting her head. She violated God's law, then told her husband also to disobey God. Adam should have told her, “God is my head. Let me consult Him.” But he also did not follow God’s order. If only they had followed God’s order for their home, all the sin, misery, and confusion that there is in the world today would not exist. That is how Satan penetrates many homes and ruins them even today. Psalm 127:1 says, “Except the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” The only way the Lord can build our home is if we obey His Word exactly.
Building a Home for God’s Approval
The Old Testament sanctuary wasn’t a grand building. It was a very simple structure. The hall mark of God’s house is simplicity. The tent was covered with a dirty, brown animal skin. Looking at it from the outside, it would have looked quite simple and unimpressive. But inside, the curtains were made of gold and other beautiful colors. That is the hallmark of God’s work in a marriage – beautiful on the inside, but simple and ordinary on the outside. Man’s ways, however, are exactly the opposite. Man wants things to be grand on the outside, while not caring if there is strife, lust, selfishness, and jealousy on the inside. God says, “My ways are not your ways.” He wants simplicity on the outside, but peace, love, thankfulness, humility, goodness, unselfishness, and happiness inside the heart. This is the kind of sanctuary God wants our homes to be.
Many are concerned with what others think of their home. They focus on the externals. They are not concerned about what God thinks. Whose opinion are you concerned with? It is utterly foolish to think that a man's opinion of your home is important. In many homes, the devil is the king. Christ is not the head of the home even though there may be a plaque on the wall that says so. The proof is that the husband and wife yell and shout at each other. In the midst of such poor Christian testimonies, the Lord is looking for a few who will build a sanctuary for Him. He is looking for simplicity on the outside and real glory – the glory of God – on the inside. Those are the homes that God will bless.
Building a Home with the Mark of the Cross
In the Old Testament, after the tabernacle was built, animals were sacrificed, and their blood was sprinkled on the tabernacle and all the instruments in it. This was symbolic of the death of Christ on the cross. In all our homes, there must be the mark of the cross of Christ. What does that mean? As you seek to build your home, you will face the clash of you and your spouse’s wills. The principle of the cross means that you die to your self-will.
The primary message of the cross of Christ we know is forgiveness. So, each partner must be ready to forgive the other when they say or do something wrong. We all make mistakes, but we must learn to forgive as our Lord has forgiven us. Be quick to lay down your will. When you are hurt, and your ego is bruised, die to yourself immediately. Then God will be pleased. That was the attitude Jesus had all through His earthly life. He never sought His own self-interests. He always sought the good of others. When the world speaks about “love”, it is referring to a selfish love that seeks its own interests. Divine love however never seeks its own interests, but always the good of the other person. When we seek our own interests, that is not love — that is lust. Lust does not refer to sexual sin only. There are many forms of lust. For example, in a marriage relationship, if you have a strong desire that your partner should behave in a certain way or do something for you, that is lust. This world is ruled by lust. When most people say, “I am in love with this person,” what they are actually saying is, “I am lusting for this person.” They are seeking something from the other person for themselves. A marriage based on lust as its foundation is bound to end in confusion. There is no cross in such a relationship. Jesus taught us to die to seeking our own interests. Then we can have the love of God within us that does not seek its own. “Do not seek your own gain but the good of others” (Philippians 2:4). Before you say or do anything, ask yourself, “How will this affect my spouse?” It is easy to begin like that, but we must endure to the end in this spirit. This is what it means to follow Jesus in married life. As in a marathon race, it is not enough to start well. We must end well too.
Building a Home with a Stable Structure
When a couple seeks to build a home together, we can liken their thoughts towards one another and the words they speak to each other as bricks that are used in the building of that home. Only you can determine what type of bricks you have been using in the building of your own home. With the quality of bricks many couples are using, no wonder their homes collapse. When it comes to building a physical house, we are very careful to use tested quality bricks as we want a long-lasting structure. But physical homes are not eternal. They will be destroyed one day. The real house we should focus on is the relationship with our spouse that we build for all eternity. Beware then about the thoughts and words in your relationship. Let them be thoughts and words of purity and goodness towards each other.
Earlier we looked at the root of bitterness in Hebrews 12:15 which can form in our heart towards our spouse. The Bible also commands husbands in Colossians 3:19 not to be bitter towards their wives. Thoughts and attitudes of the heart such as bitterness must be put to death. In our thought-life, there should be the mark of blood – a cross on which we die. I need to put to death unloving thoughts, selfish thoughts, and thoughts that cause division. Do not ever forget that the devil is always close by, placing his rocks and bricks into your hands in the hopes that you will use them to build your house. Those of us who are married know the temptations that come to have hard, selfish, bitter, suspicious thoughts towards our partner. The devil brings bricks of selfishness to make us build our house only thinking of our own interests. He brings bricks of suspicion towards your partner. Die to suspicion and learn to trust. Suspicious thoughts are the worst bricks that the devil brings.
Likewise, the words we speak are also bricks with which we build our home. If all the words uttered by married people were taped and played (which will indeed happen on the day of judgement), I wonder how many of us would enjoy listening to them. Or would we run away to hide? How wonderful it would be for some couples who have spoken kind and loving words to each other. They would have confidence even for the whole world to listen to their conversations on judgment day. We are not perfect, but we can learn to humble ourselves, speak good words, and put the bad words that the devil puts on our tongues to death. Think of all the rotten words that husbands and wives speak to each other (‘Your father was like that’ or ‘Your sister was like that’ and so on). It is sad that so many build their homes with such bricks. But in the midst of such a pathetic standard, we need to build a home that glorifies God, according to the pattern that God has given us in His word.
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no rotten word proceed from your mouth.” Rotten words are equivalent to rotten bricks. If we, as husbands and wives, follow this one simple rule: only speak words to our partner that will minister grace — then in one year, we will have a better home than all the rotten homes people have spent years building. That certainly is a possibility for each of us. There will be temptations that come to slander someone else in your home. But that is only a temptation. If someone visits your home, and you start gossiping, you are building your home with rotten bricks. The devil has handed over rotten bricks to you, and you have readily received them. Do not let him do that to your home. There is no doubt — if you determine to follow God's pattern seriously, you will have a heavenly home.
Building a Home with the Holy Spirit’s Fire on It
In Deuteronomy 33:16, God is referred to as Him whodwelt in the bush. That is referring to Exodus 3 where God spoke with Moses from the burning bush. This is the first dwelling place of God mentioned in the Bible. Can you imagine any germs or bacteria surviving in that bush while it was on fire? The fire would have destroyed every germ and bacteria. We need that fire – the fire of the Holy Spirit – in our homes to kill all the germs and bacteria. What germs and bacteria am I referring to? The ungodly thoughts that we have towards one another, the unkind, rotten words that we speak, the unnecessary gossip, etc. When we are filled with the Holy Spirit, when the fire of the Holy Ghost is on our homes, we will have a sterilised home. It does not matter if our home is not physically tidy, but our words and thoughts must be clean.
This is the difference between what God cares about and what man cares about. Pharisees are clean outside, but disciples of Jesus keep the inside clean. Their thoughts and words are upright so that God can dwell in their homes. If we seek for this, our homes will be like the Old Testament tabernacle where the glory of God descended. It would be wonderful if we had many such homes. God who dwells in the bush will also dwell in a home in which He can be glorified.
Building a Home to be a Blessing to Others
In many homes you see this plaque: "God bless our home." But there must be purity in our actions, thoughts, words, and fellowship with others if we want God’s blessing in our home. Jeremiah 22:13 says,“Cursed is he who builds his house with unrighteousness.” If your house was built with black money, God cannot bless your home because it was built with unrighteousness. Instead, the judgement of God will come on your home. It is better to be poor and have the blessings of God than to have a grand home with unrighteousness. It is very important that there is no unrighteousness in our home and that we live uprightly.
In Ezekiel 47 we read about a river that flowed from the sanctuary. Wherever this river went it brought life and not death. That is God's desire for us too. Blessings must flow to others from the homes that we build as sanctuaries for God. With our home as God’s sanctuary, not only is our own home blessed, but from that sanctuary flows a river of life to others. There is no pollution in this river which comes from impurities in the sanctuary (such as blaming each other like Adam and Eve did). In this type of home, the finger points to oneself: "Lord I am the cause of this problem. Let me judge myself." That Adamic evil has been cleansed from the sanctuary, and thus a river with life, without pollution, can flow.
Another form of pollution which must be cleansed in the sanctuary is husband and wife not leaving their parents to cleave to each other. Not only does God call men to leave their parents, but he also tells women to forget their father’s house (Psalm 45:10). Many Indian families have problems because the husband or wife does not forget their father’s house. Honour your father but be detached emotionally from him and instead, be attached to your spouse. If you do not follow this principle, God’s glory cannot fill your house, and you cannot be a blessing to others. God called Abraham to leave his old home in Ur and build a new home in Canaan, and God told him, "I will bless you and you will be a blessing; all the families of the earth will be blessed." So also He has called couples out of their parents’ homes to build another home together. Leave that old home completely and come to a new home, and God can make your home a blessing.
There is another form of pollution that can come into our sanctuaries when God blesses us with children. We must protect our children from the world and not allow worldly influences to come in and pollute them. Deuteronomy 22:8 says that we must build a protective wall around our children: “When you build a new house, you shall make a parapet for your roof, so that you will not bring bloodguilt on your house if anyone falls from it.” When there is no parapet on the roof, it is possible that children may fall. There are many homes without a parapet - a wall - and the children fall into worldly habits. To put a parapet is to take certain measures to protect our children from the world. Children may consider them to be an obstruction, but they are necessary for their protection. Have high parapet walls. In other words, have a separation from the world so that nobody is defiled in your house. Our homes are to be sanctuaries for God and a blessing for others. It is wonderful if we can practice these principles from the first day of our marriage. It is exactly the opposite with many people after they get married. They build homes for themselves and not for God. Many couples live for each other. If you do that, you will be unhappy and build rotten homes.
Chapter 4
God's Plan For An Excellent Marriage
In Genesis 1, God said about each of his creations: ‘it is good.’ But on the last day, when man was created, He said,“It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). After God made a wife for Adam and they were married, God said, ‘It is very good.’
The contrast is significant. On one hand it was ‘not good’ and on the other it was ‘very good.’ The transition was not from ‘good’ to ‘very good,’ but from ‘not good’ to ‘very good.’ What made the difference? – Marriage. That is how God intended marriage to be. If a man's life was of a certain quality before marriage, it should be much better after marriage — like the difference between ‘not good’ and ‘very good.’ If a girl's life was of a certain quality before marriage, it should be much better after marriage. But is that what we find in most marriages? Those of us who are married can attest that in most cases (for our own marriage as well as for the marriages of other couples we know) it is exactly the opposite. The quality of life has gone down instead of up. People were happier before they were married. That, indeed, is a very sad testimony.
This is not the way God intended marriage to be. The state of most marriages in the world just proves that the world and its values are upside down. Instead of transitioning from ‘not good’ to ‘very good,’ it is the other way around. That is how it is with many marriages and the reason is very simple: the couples have not sought to follow the instructions of the Maker. They have used their own reason, thinking that they know better, and therefore their quality of life has gone down instead of up. This is a tremendous warning lest we neglect God's word. God's word has much to say about husbands and wives. If we follow it implicitly, married life must go from ‘not good’ to ‘very good.’
Jesus has Crushed the Head of the Serpent
From the Scriptures, it is very clear that what God has joined together, no man is to separate. The first person to cause separation was the devil. This is what we read in Genesis 3. God had just finished uniting the husband and wife together, and what happens immediately after that? Genesis 3:1 says, “Now the serpent was craftier than any beast of the field.” It was almost as if the devil was waiting for the married couple to go out of the door — to start their life together — and his goal was to subtlety use his craftiness to keep them from going from ‘not good’ to ‘very good’ to ‘excellent.’ The unfortunate reality is that he has succeeded in most cases.
Usually, before marriage, the husband and wife-to-be don’t fight or strive with each other. There may be a few cases where they have fought with each other before marriage. That happens with those who have followed Western customs. But those of us who have followed the ordinary Indian customs enter marriage without any strife. No doubt, on the day of the marriage, we love and admire one another. Over the next ten years, the marriage will go in one of two directions: it will get better and better or get worse and worse. The serpent is subtle and crafty and wants the marriage to go down. Therefore he gets in between the couple and tries to separate them.
That is why Jesus came. God gave a wonderful promise in Genesis 3:15: “The seed of the woman shall crush the head of the serpent.” This is the goodness of the gospel. The head of that serpent (which came in between Adam and Eve) was crushed by Jesus. If we are united with Jesus in the power of the Holy Spirit and are seeking to live our lives as God intended them to be (under the headship of Jesus Christ), the serpent, whose head has been crushed, will not be able to ruin or spoil our marriage (even though he is still alive). That is the gospel. God's heart was delighted when He united the couple on the first day of marriage. Unfortunately, when a couple falls prey to Satan’s schemes, God’s heart is disappointed. But those who have faith in this gospel can see their marriages go from good to better to excellent, and they can delight the heart of God.
The Devil Under Our Feet
Many people know and acknowledge that Jesus crushed Satan’s head on the cross. But here is something glorious: the devil, who was defeated on the cross, will be crushed under our feet now (Romans 16:20). Those who get married must learn to put Satan under their feet. If we follow Jesus, Satan can be crushed under our feet every day. But he is not crushed under a husband and wife’s feet when they are yelling at each other or when they are irritated, upset, and unable to forgive each other. Then Satan is on the throne, sitting on top of their heads. When a wife usurps the authority in a home and bosses her husband around like a servant, Satan is not crushed under her feet. Or when a husband behaves like a dictator or tyrant, not honouring his wife or understanding how she feels, Satan is already on the throne. Sadly, that is how it is in many believers’ homes.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. God gives His promise that Satan will be crushed under our feet. This is the gospel we believe in the church. We praise God for those who demonstrate in their homes that this is not just a theory, but a truth to depend on. Such people will grow to perfection. It is not that they do not make mistakes, but their marriage gets better and better to an increasing degree. There is power in such a home. This is our calling. This is what our land needs to see. Christianity has been proclaimed for 2,000 years in India (if it is true that the Apostle Thomas came to India in the first century). But what is the picture of Christ that the heathens have seen? Have they seen that Christian homes are better than heathen homes? Have they seen that Christian husbands and wives behave in a far superior way to each other than in heathen homes? If not, it is about time that India sees such homes. That is why God has given us His word, so that we can build such homes. We pray that there will be such homes beginning to form where both husband and wife will learn to follow Jesus.
Road to Perfection
There is no other way of overcoming Satan except by following Jesus in His footsteps. It is not merely using the name of Jesus. There are some people who use the name of Jesus like some type of magic word. They do not overcome Satan. Jesus said, “If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also” (John 12:26). Where is Jesus? He is standing on the serpent's head. If we follow Him, we will also be standing on the serpent’s head. But that is only if we follow Him. There is no other way to stand on the serpent’s head. That is why the word of God says that we must run our race fixing our eyes on Jesus. It is good for the husband and wife to begin their married life fixing their eyes on Jesus.
The word of God says that husbands must look at Jesus’ love towards the church as an example for how they should love their wives (Ephesians 5:25). Any husband even with ten percent sincerity will admit that it takes a lifetime to obey that verse. There is not a man who has attained to it. The sad thing is that the vast majority of believers are not even trying to attain to it. We will never obey it if we are not even trying. That is what the Bible means when it says to “press on to perfection.” Husbands have one duty: to love their wives as Christ loved the church. They must press on to perfection in this area so that each year will find them loving their wives more perfectly, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to sanctify her.
When Christ saw failure in the church, how did He rectify that failure? Not the way most husbands do. Most husbands try to rectify failure in their wives with strong, harsh words like, “You are not behaving properly,” or some other equally demonic words. Jesus did not do that. When He wanted to make the church perfect without a spot or wrinkle, holy and blameless, what did He do? He gave up His life to sanctify her. Have you ever thought of doing that for your wife? That is God's way. The whole of mankind is upside down, going the opposite way. If you follow God's way, your marriage will go from better to excellent. When you as a husband see a fault in your wife, you must follow Jesus. You should not do what all other human beings around you are doing.
The most difficult thing to give up is our ego - this identity called “I” - the important person who sits on the throne. He is very offended and hurt when his wife does not do things the way the king sitting on the throne expects. This is your ‘self’ that needs to be given up in order to sanctify her. Unfortunately, there are only a few husbands who are interested in going this way. If you don’t go this way, then of course your marriage will only go in a downward spiral. But if you are really interested in going this way, you must seek to love your wife and take it seriously. Do not look for the meaning of love in a dictionary. Rather look for the meaning of love in Christ’s example – being prepared to die as Christ did in your relationship. This is our calling as husbands.
Servant Leadership
Jesus is our leader, but not in the sense that the world understands leadership. Do you know where we find Jesus during His last days on the earth? At the feet of His bride, washing her feet. In other words, if a husband has reached the height of perfection, he will be found at the feet of his wife, washing her feet, helping her, and cleansing her in order to sanctify her. What does it mean to wash her feet? It is to do the dirty jobs. Of course, there are stupid wives who take advantage of that and boss their husbands around. Jesus was not a doormat for people to walk over, was He? Some women misunderstand when we say the husband must wash his wife’s feet and do dirty jobs. Their husbands end up as servants doing all types of odd, dirty jobs. That is not what I mean. Jesus was not a doormat. If you were to find Jesus sitting with His disciples, there would be no doubt as to who the leader was. There was clear cut leadership. You would never have thought that Peter or Matthew was the leader. That is also the position husbands must have. It is this delicate balance of being a leader and a servant that we must learn from Jesus.
If it is just a question of doing odd jobs around the house, any dumb man can do that. Also, any man can be a tyrant, bossing his wife around. But to be both a leader and servant is entirely different. It doesn’t take much time to recognise who the leader is in a house. I have been to homes where I hear the wife chattering away while the poor husband sits there like a little "yes man." It is pretty clear who the head is in that house. That is sad. It is worse when it is a Christian home. The wife might say, ‘Oh, my husband is a quiet type of a person.’ Really?! Are you not the one who made him a quiet type of person by talking all the time? He will open up if you shut up a little bit! That is not how it should be; the husband must be the leader. Yet he must be a leader like Christ, who loves and serves. You need wisdom for that type of leadership, which only the Lord can supply, if you ask Him in prayer.
Jesus is a Shepherd who goes before his flock. He does not kick them from the back. Jesus did not give a whole lot of exhortations. He was an example for His bride to follow. That is what a husband must be - an example like Jesus - a shepherd to lead his wife. When your wife stumbles, my dear brother, ask yourself, ‘Am I leading my sheep, my wife, whom God has committed to me, in the right way?’ Behind your wife will come other little lambs - children. All of them are dependent on one man, the shepherd. If the husband doesn’t have self-control, how do you expect the sheep and the lambs to behave? If he is not working out his own salvation with fear and trembling, and if he is not following Jesus, in which direction will the home go? In the opposite direction of what God intended, just like the rest of mankind.
So, if we want a marriage to go from better to excellent, we need to have husbands who take this matter of following Jesus seriously. This must be his hobby, his lifetime passion, even his full-time job - not just an occasional thing which he does in a church meeting. This type of marriage is for disciples, not just for those who want to go to heaven when they die.
Power of Submission
As we discussed in the earlier chapters, 1 Corinthians 11 lays down the principles of home governance. Paul says, “I want you to understand that Christ is the Head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman and God is the Head of Christ.” When we look at this verse carefully, we see that just like a man must be subject to Christ and just as Christ was subject to God, so the woman must be subject to man. There is no question of man telling Christ what he thinks Christ should do. When Jesus was on earth, he didn’t tell the Father what to do. It is as ridiculous for a woman to take that place and tell a man what he should do. When we look at this order of relationship between the woman and the man, it is the relationship between Christ and God. Paul goes on to say that is the whole meaning of a woman covering her head. If a woman covers her head and doesn’t understand that it is signifying her submission to the man, then it’s a ritual. There are a lot of such meaningless rituals in Christendom.
So, wives also must follow Jesus to crush the serpent's head, and the way to follow Him is through submission. Like for husbands, Jesus is the example for wives too. As Jesus submitted to His Heavenly Father in everything, a wife has to learn how to submit to her husband as the head. Few wives are interested in that. No wonder marriages go downward. There is a price to be paid if we want the type of marriage that God intends us to have. If you pay that price, I can give you a guarantee that it will go from good to better to excellent.
I believe wives have tremendous power to keep the serpent outside the home. Satan became Satan when he was the head of angels and rebelled against God. Lucifer stands for rebellion against God. He has been rebellious throughout the centuries. We can say that he has a rebellious spirit. In contrast to that, we have Jesus Christ with a submissive spirit – the exact opposite. There are only two spirits: a submissive spirit or a rebellious spirit. There is no neutral position. When a wife does not have a submissive spirit toward her husband, do you know what she is doing? She is opening the door to the other spirit - a rebellious spirit - which will mess up the home, ruin the children, and bring sickness, disease, complication, difficulties, and all types of problems into the home. You think God brings those things? No! It is the devil. How does the devil come in then? – Usually through the wife via the spirit of rebellion. That is why a wife has tremendous power to keep the door shut by being submissive. It's not just about acting submissively, but actually being submissive.
Submission is manifested in deep respect and reverence. “Let the wife see that she reverences her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). The mark of a spiritual woman is not that she knows the Bible, not that she can teach her husband a thing or two, but that she deeply respects her husband. The word used by the Holy Spirit for that respect is “reverence.” It is a sad thing when a wife tells something bad about her husband, or anything that is not very complimentary. Such a woman is pitiable if she thinks she is being spiritual by finding faults in her husband. She does not realize that she is in the grip of Satan. Such a woman, if she thinks she is spiritual, is thoroughly deceived. She is gripped by the spirit of rebellion. She needs deliverance. When such wives think they are spiritual, it is a mark of the fantastic work of deception by the devil.
Test of Submission
It is easy to submit when what you have to do is to your liking. But submission is tested when you have to do something that you don't like. Your son would be glad to obey if you commanded him to eat ice cream. But ask him to do his homework or help with household chores and his submission is truly tested. His obedience is not as zealous or wholehearted as it was with eating ice cream. We can learn a lesson from that for husbands and wives. A wife's submission is not tested in going to church meetings. If a husband says, ‘Let us go to the meeting,’ there is no test as the wife also is interested in going. Of course, for some that is also a problem. But her submission is tested in situations where she has to do something that goes against her grain. Obviously when she complains that her marriage is not going well, she is to be blamed. She opened the door and let the devil in, and the serpent has bitten everyone in the home.
When God sent Jesus to earth, He submitted to His earthly parents - Joseph and Mary - for almost thirty years. Joseph and Mary, like any other human beings, were imperfect. Yet the Father asked Jesus, who was perfect, to submit to imperfect parents. That is more difficult than submitting to God Himself. Many say, ‘I can submit to God.’ Sure, you can, but what if God asks you to submit to an imperfect husband? That is the test of whether you can submit to God or not. The submission of Jesus was not primarily tested in the Garden of Gethsemane when God wanted Him to drink the cup. He wanted to avoid the cup but was willing to submit. You and I know that it is easy to submit to God because He is perfect. But when He wants us to submit to someone who is imperfect, that is the real test. That is how Jesus' submission was tested long before He reached Gethsemane.
Before we read about Jesus raising the dead and casting out demons, we read that He was subject to His parents in everything – submissive to imperfect Joseph and Mary. If you can find a wife who knows how to submit to her husband who makes many mistakes, you have found a spiritual woman. It is a sad thing that there are very few like that among believers. A perfect wife is one who does not expect a perfect husband. A perfect husband is one who does not expect a perfect wife. This is one level of perfection from where we press on to a greater degree of perfection. It was God who asked Jesus to submit to Joseph and Mary. If He did not submit to Joseph and Mary, He would not be submitting to God either. When a woman says that she can submit to God, but not to an imperfect husband, she actually does not submit to God. Is it not God who asked her in the first place to submit to such an imperfect man? Any sense of spirituality such a woman thinks she has is fit only for the trash can. It is useless, good-for-nothing Christianity.
When we say that a husband must serve his wife, it doesn’t mean that he is not the leader. Likewise, when a woman is asked to submit, it doesn’t mean she cannot offer suggestions. The Bible calls the wife a suitable helper. She is not expected to be a mindless person, saying yes to everything the husband says. If you are a good wife, you will know how to help your husband in a spirit of submission by offering your suggestion which is so important. After having observed many marriages and seeing the word of God where it says, “God made a helper suitable for Adam,” I believe God made wives to look at things from a different perspective. If a husband is able to appreciate the different perspective that his wife can bring into a specific situation, they can have a solution for every problem. That is how God gives the husband a helper. A husband and his wife must work together, helping each other in every situation - not in contradiction, but realising they have different, but complimentary viewpoints.
Becoming One
No husband and wife should live together for themselves. The whole purpose of their marriage is that they may glorify God. To do this, they must become one. “For this purpose, they must leave father and mother and cleave to each other and they should become one flesh.” That is God's word. Many husbands think that they can cleave to their wives without leaving their father and mother. People have tried it, but they have not succeeded. When God says it must be one way, you can't do it another way. It does not mean you should not respect your parents. Respect and honour them. Jesus cared for His mother even while hanging on the cross, but He did not let her interfere in His ministry. He told her, “What have I do with you woman?” That is the balance between respect and care. That is true spirituality.
It is difficult to leave that emotional attachment. To use an illustration that we briefly mentioned in the last chapter: before a man is married, he has emotional attachment to his parents. It is like an umbilical cord. His marriage can be likened to a baby coming out of the womb. The baby says, ‘No, this umbilical cord has done so much for me these last nine months. It has provided for me all these days. Let me remain tied to it.’ If your baby were to remain attached to the umbilical cord, do you know how long it will live? It will die. Any sensible doctor would sever it. I wish that more husbands had the same sense to cut their umbilical ties to parents immediately after marriage instead of waiting. Cut it off if you want to live in this new world called marriage, just as the baby’s cord is cut in order to survive in this world after it comes out of the womb. Cleave emotionally to the one you are to be attached to. Stick together like two sheets of papers are stuck together with a strong adhesive. Any attempt to separate those sheets will result in both sheets tearing. Do not let your relatives run your life. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.
In a marriage many challenges will come. We live in a world where there is so much of evil. No husband or wife is perfect, and they are bound to make mistakes. What do we do when the other partner makes mistakes? You must readily forgive. What usually separates husbands and wives? Usually it is thoughts of suspicion, possessiveness, etc. “What is he thinking?” “What’s she up to now?” It is by trust that you are stuck together and not by grabbing. Trust and fellowship go together. Let the glue of trust and confidence hold you together. All husbands should trust their wives and wives should trust their husbands. We trust or we separate.
When forgiveness is gone, husband and wife will try to hold each other possessively. But that will only lead to separation. I do not mean divorce. I mean that they do not become one. You must cleave to your wife. Don’t let your job be more important than your wife. Do not let money making become more important than your partner. Do not let your children become more important than each other. This is a sad thing that often happens in India. Many parents love their children more than they love one another. It is completely unscriptural and heathen.
Finally, husband and wife must become one flesh physically. The Bible does not speak of sex as something dirty. It is dirty-minded people who believe that sex is dirty. God's word speaks of it as pure. God created sex long before sin came. It is dirty when it is done outside of marriage. Then it is demonic and fully satanic. But within a marriage it can be divine. That is why the Bible says that both husband and wife have no more rights over their own bodies. A wife who wants to have rights over her body should not marry. The best thing is to be single. A wife, when she gets married, has no more rights over her body. Equally, a husband has no more rights over his body. He cannot use his eyes to look here and there. He must have his eyes only for his wife. A person who wants to go around looking here and there should not get married. God's word is plain and straight. Only when people honour God, take His word, and follow, then their marriage can go from good to better to excellent.
Chapter 5
Understanding One Another
The book of Ecclesiastes has this beautiful expression: “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor” (Ecclesiastes 4:9). Do you believe that God has given you a partner because two are better than one? The Living Bible translation says, “Two can accomplish more than twice as much as one, for the results are much better.” Solomon continues in verse 10, “For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion, but woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). God has not given us to each other to criticise but to lift one another up.
Looking at these two verses, we ask ourselves this question: ‘Do I really believe that it is better for me because of my marriage partner?’ A lot of married people say, ‘I wish I were single.’ Well, I don’t think you will ever have a happy married life with that attitude. You must say, ‘Whatever the faults are of my partner, two are better than one and two can accomplish more.’ You know all about the weaknesses of your partner because you live together every day. That doesn’t mean that the other wives and husbands in your local church don’t have weaknesses. You see only 1% of their lives. That is why you don’t know all of their weaknesses. Do you suppose that your partner has such a lot of weaknesses and that every other person in the church must be better than your partner? That is a fallacy and very big lie of the devil.
What God has Joined Together
Jesus referred to married couples as, “What God has joined together” (Matthew 19:6). In this passage, the Pharisees had just asked Jesus a general question: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife” (Matthew 19:3)? Now, this question did not come from someone in the New Covenant who had prayed to know God’s will before marriage. In those days, we may say that in almost all cases, people just married whomever their parents chose for them. In Jesus’ time, parents arranged most marriages, and 90% of the time the bride or groom would not have even set eyes on each other before marriage. What does the Lord Jesus say about such a marriage? “What God has joined together.” It is such an amazing faith that Jesus had to believe that even in such marriages, God has joined them together. It is right to seek God's will in marriage, but even if people didn’t do that, we must believe that it was God who joined them together. If God has joined them together, any force that seeks to separate a husband and his wife is from the devil. Cults are known to do just that.
One of the primary marks of a cult is that they try to separate husband and wife or parents and children. They separate them so that they can have control over individuals. Sometimes they even force a divorce and separate children from one or both of their parents. That is why we have been very careful in our church to always tell children, particularly when they are below eighteen, to go with their parents to church even if they want to go to another church. If a husband insists that his wife should not come to our church meeting, we tell her, “Sister, don't come here. Listen to your husband or come secretly without his knowledge, but don't get into a clash.” We say this because we don't believe in husbands and wives or parents and children being separated.
There is a lot of separation that goes on in the name of religion, and that is the work of the devil. When you yourself do something to bring a distance with your marriage partner, you are doing the work of the devil. Remember that God has joined you together so that no one should separate you. Why is it so serious for a man to admire another woman? Because the more you admire another woman, either for her beauty, or her house keeping ability, or her cooking, you are bringing an inward separation from your wife. If you, as a wife, admire another man because he is smarter than your husband or anything else, you are bringing an inward separation from your husband.
Let No One Separate
A husband is not required to think that his wife is very spiritual when she is not. And a wife doesn’t have to think that her husband is very spiritual when he is not. The Bible doesn't demand that. But a fundamental thing is that you must value each other in your hearts. That is important and it has nothing to do with either of you being spiritual. There is no excuse for not valuing each other, because God has brought you together and has united you. Everything that increases your unity is from God and everything that makes you distant is from the devil. This is a very simple principle. It doesn't matter what it is. For example, let’s say you love your children more than you love each other. Until your children came, you were close to one another, but now a small distance has come between you and your wife. I’m not talking of divorce. You may not even think of divorce. But a little distance has come - your children have come between you both.
I am not saying that your children are the devil. But you have put your children in a place where the devil wanted you to put them. God says to put them outside of your relationship as husband and wife. It is very important that children do not come between a father and mother. That is what happens in so many homes in India. When the children grow up and leave, the husband and wife are bored, and they don’t know what to do. Since my children left home, I can personally say that for me and my wife, these are the most exciting days of our life. It is quite the opposite for many. I have practised this all through these 57 years of my married life: my wife is more important than my children. That is why we are not bored with each other. Please remember this: you can’t wait for your children to grow up and leave to suddenly change your attitude and start building your relationship with your spouse. When your children are small, determine that your marriage partner will be more important than your children — always.
It is a heathen idea that teaches husband and wife to love their children more than each other. That is not good for their children either. Obedience to God's word is the best thing we can do for our children. The best thing husbands can do for their children is to love their wives as Christ loved the church. The best thing wives can do for their children is to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ. That is the way for your children to be blessed.
Humility — the First Step to Unity
If you did not pray and seek God's will before getting married, never mind. It makes no difference. It is still God who has joined you together. In answering the Pharisees, Jesus was referring to almost 99% of cases when he said, "God has joined them together." So, be settled and established in this foundation and go about joining with your spouse. You must do everything in your power not just to preserve unity, but to seek for your unity to become deeper and stronger as time goes on. Everything you can do, say, or think to deepen that unity is divine. On the other hand, everything that you do, say, or think to break the unity (e.g. to hurt or demean your spouse) is satanic.
We do slip up now and then, and as soon as we do, we must immediately apologise. Married couples must forgive and ask for forgiveness to the end of their lives. That is the one thing I say to all married people: ‘You must be a great forgiver, and you must be a great asker of forgiveness.’ If you can't forgive, it is because of your pride. You think that you are not such a sinner, and that what your spouse has done is a terrible sin. Let me say that again — if you can't ask for forgiveness, it is because of pride. What other reason can there be? Let’s say there is some tension between you and your spouse due to a misunderstanding. That can happen in any home. Neither of you want that tension to continue. So, why do you let it continue for a day or even multiple days? Why do you go to your work with those tensions unresolved? The answer of course is pride.
Here is a statement made by Andrew Murray on humility which I always carry with me and read: “You have as much of the devil in you as you have pride.” I believe that with all my heart. The measure of pride in us has a direct correlation to the measure of the devil in us. The converse is also true. As much humility we have, that much of the Spirit of Christ is in us. All relationships are built on humility. Humility manifests itself in that you ask for forgiveness immediately and you also forgive immediately. That is the essence of ‘two are better than one.’
Sex — An Important Aspect of Becoming One
Jesus went on to say, “They are no longer two, but one flesh” (Matthew 19:6). Isn't that an amazing phrase? God has put a tremendous desire particularly in men to be united with their wives physically. Please remember that one flesh is referring here to the physical, sexual union between a man and his wife. Jesus was not ashamed to talk about it. He was not referring to them being one in spirit. It takes a long time to be one in spirit and that is something we have to work on. To be ‘one in flesh’ can be realised on the day of your marriage itself. But that desire to be one in the flesh on the first day of marriage should be coupled with a longing to be one in spirit which may take the next 50 years. The ultimate aim is that we become one in body, soul (mind), and spirit.
This process begins with the body. That is why bodily relationship in marriage is important. It is not the most important like the world wants you to believe. If it were the most important, then when a wife is sick or when she is not able to have sexual intercourse, the couple wouldn't be able to say they are one, which is not the case. However, it is important to be one in flesh because God has ordained it. Anything God ordains is important. Take speaking in tongues, for example. Speaking in tongues is not the most important thing. It is not as important as love or faith. But since it is from God, we should use it. In the same way, physical union is not as important as fellowship in the spirit, but God has still ordained it.
The phrase “one flesh” is used in the scriptures only to refer to husband and wife. It is the most intimate earthly relationship of all human relationships. I cannot be one flesh with my father and mother, however much I love them. I cannot be one flesh with my brother and sister. This oneness has been reserved by God for marriage unions alone. So, physical union is very important. However, it must be noted that men and women often have different attitudes to sex. For most men, it is very important. Many women, however, either tolerate it or reluctantly permit it. Some women even develop an evil attitude towards sex and use it to blackmail their husbands, knowing how important it is to men. A woman can tell her husband that she will only permit sex if he behaves according to her expectation. That is absolutely evil. Sex is ordained by God, and it is not her prerogative. It has nothing to do with whether someone behaves well or not. In fact, sex is a command of God. 1 Corinthians 7:3 says, “Let the husband fulfil his duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband.”
It is possible to read a verse like this out of context and get all types of interpretations from it. What is the husband's duty towards his wife? One may say that he must work and earn a living for the family, shop for the groceries, discipline the children, etc. And what is the wife's duty towards her husband? Take care of the home, cook meals, etc. All of these are correct, but these things are not what the Holy Spirit is referring to in this verse. In the context, Paul is answering a question about marriage. He says it is better to be married, each man having his own wife and each woman having her own husband, to keep from falling into immorality. So, here is one reason for marriage according to the Holy Scriptures: to avoid immorality.
Some people can be super-spiritual and say that is a worldly reason for marriage. Call it worldly if you like. The Lord Jesus is practical. Before He taught us to pray, “Forgive us our sins,” He taught us to pray, “Give us this day our daily bread.” If we were teaching the Lord's Prayer as super-spirituals, we would have said, “Forgive us our sins and deliver us from evil. And Lord, if You feel like it, give us our bread every once in a while.” Jesus was not super-spiritual. He was so down to earth that before He taught about forgiveness and deliverance from evil, He said, “Give us this day our daily bread.” A lot of believers are carnal, but they try to be super-spiritual.
Remember that the body was created by God. The body is not the source of evil or sin. How can we say that? Just think about the fact that Jesus had a body and had no sin. The devil has no body, but he is full of sin. So, what do you infer from that? Sin didn't come through the body. Don't think that the body is the cause of all our sins. Sin comes from within our heart, our spirit, and our attitudes. It is because of the heathen idea that the body is sinful that people have the idea that sex is sinful. Eating can be sinful if you eat in a restaurant without paying for it! Sleep is sinful if you sleep on duty! So also, sex is sinful if you do it outside of the Lord’s boundaries and outside of marriage.
Anything can be sinful if you do it in the wrong way. But everything is right when it is done in the right way. These three desires - hunger, sleep, and sex - were created by God. Somehow, we are ashamed of one but aren't ashamed of the other two. This is the work of the devil. Because of this, sisters in particular have a wrong attitude towards sex, and this causes a lot of problems for their husbands. It is a duty: “Let the husband fulfil his duty to his wife.” In the context, this is a reference to sex. “A girl who marries no longer has a full right to her own body” (1 Corinthians 7:4).
If you believe that you should have full right to your own body, the solution is to refrain from getting married. A husband also has no more right over his body once he is married. Don't withhold these rights from each other. The only exception to this rule is when a husband and wife refrain from this marriage right for a limited time so that they can give themselves more completely to prayer. But afterwards, after the time of prayer is over, they should come together again so that Satan will not be able to tempt them because of their lack of self-control (1 Corinthians 7:5). What Paul presents here is amazing, down to earth, spiritual stuff - not the carnal, super-spiritual stuff that lot of people talk about.
Sex Within Marriage is Holy
It is in this context that we read 1 Corinthians 7:3 which says, “A husband has a duty to fulfil to his wife and a wife has a duty to fulfil to her husband.” This means that sex is both a duty and a right. Jesus said that the two shall be one flesh. I believe it is right for husbands and wives to pray to Jesus about their sexual relationship just like they pray concerning anything else. You don’t invite anybody into your bedroom, but you do invite Jesus Christ to sanctify your physical relationship so that it will be holy. You can pray that Jesus will be there to bless you when you have a sexual relationship. Awareness of the Lord’s presence saves the man from fantasising about somebody else while having sex with his wife and vice versa. You will not indulge in such thoughts when Jesus is invited to be there and bless that relationship. You must invite Jesus to come into that relationship. We understand that this is a holy and sacred topic.
I am not ashamed to write about sex. I have talked to young people about masturbation, because in my younger days, no one taught anything about these topics. A lot of young people are confused in that area, and in most churches, they hardly talk about the sexual relationship in marriage. A lot of questions in peoples’ minds go unanswered. If the Bible were silent about it, we would say nothing about it. But the Bible says a lot on this subject. When the Old Testament books were compiled, there was lot of contention among Jewish Rabbis on whether to include the Song of Solomon in the Bible. They said that it must not be in the Bible. Their argument was that it was not scripture because the content was not clean. But God has placed it in scripture. It speaks of the woman admiring the body of her husband and the husband admiring the body of his wife. They thought it was carnal, but the Holy Spirit has put it right in the middle of the Bible.
All I say is, don't try to be more spiritual than the Holy Spirit. We must get rid of a lot of carnal ideas from our mind when we talk about sex. People tend to think sex is dirty. Let me tell you what is dirty: watching pornographic movies and reading sexual stories. All the amorous scenes in movies are dirty. Being interested in somebody else's wife or even in somebody else's wife's cooking is dirty. But sex in marriage is not dirty. It is holy and pure. I have spent years in every one of our churches trying to clear this wrong concept from peoples’ minds. What God has called holy, do not call unclean. Distinguish between what is clean and what is unclean.
Understanding Each Other’s Needs
Through the years, I have observed various married couples in my effort to better understand man and woman. I have come to the conclusion that the greatest need that drives a man to marriage is his desire for sex. It is not his spiritual needs. For spiritual needs, we can have fellowship with our fellow brothers. It is the sexual need that is satisfied in marriage. That is why Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:9, “If they don't have self-control, let them marry. It is better to marry than to burn with lust.” Lust is like a fire. Desire is like a fire. It is a burning fire in men. It may not be so with women, but in men it is a burning fire which they feel every day, at least in their younger years. Paul says here that it is permissible to fulfil that desire in marriage.
I have come to see that the main drive for a man to get married is his desire for sex. It is good for all women to understand this. Many women don't understand this. I have had to answer this question from many women as to why their husbands have such a strong drive in the sexual area. My answer has been simple: because God made him a man. If he were a woman, he wouldn't have such a desire. Do you want your husband to be like a woman or a man? If he is man, this is the way God made him. Anyone who fears God doesn't need a second answer.
If men have a greater need for sex, what is the greatest need in women that drives them to marriage? It is usually not sex. God hasn't made women like that. There can be women who have a strong desire for sex which drives them to marriage, but in most cases that would be perverted. The average woman’s need is not for sex but security. As great as the desire for sex is in a man, so is the desire for security in a woman. And just like women cannot understand why in the world their husband, particularly when newly married, wants to have sex every day when her desire for sex is only once in a while, a man cannot understand why his wife wants reassurance all the time, every day, that he loves her. He wonders why it is not sufficient to tell her every once in a while that he loves her and will love her for the rest of his life. Well, the reason is that God has made her like that.
The sad thing is that women don't understand mens’ needs and men don't understand womens’ needs. If men could understand one thing: as strong as the desire for sex is in you, brother, equally strong is the desire in your wife to find security in you. She needs to be assured that you care for her and not for anybody else. She needs to know that she is especially important to you and that she is not just a servant who cooks the meals and brings up children. She is an important person – a partner with whom you can discuss many matters. Don't give her the feeling that she doesn’t know anything. There is this evil thought in people that everybody else should be like them. This relates to marriage in that if the man doesn’t feel the need for security, he thinks his wife shouldn’t feel it either. And a woman can think that since she doesn’t feel the need for sex, her husband shouldn’t either. That is a wrong way of thinking. We are not to expect others to be just like us. But each one of us must seek to be like Jesus.
Recognizing Uniqueness
God has not only made men and women different; He has made men different from each other and women different from each other. When God gave you a particular spouse, he or she came as a package deal. You have to accept that package in its entirety. You can't pick and choose what you like. If you are not interested in the whole package, it is best to remain unmarried. Unfortunately, people try to pick one thing from one package and another from another package.
These days, there are talks of cloning human beings in order to combine genes from different people. That way a child can have one person’s intelligence, another person’s looks, and another person’s athletic abilities. They are trying to produce a perfect child. What is a perfect child? How do you define perfection? In any case, this clone child will probably be an evil child. God in His wisdom gives you a particular package that meets your particular needs. Don’t forget that you yourself are a package with both good and bad in it. Don’t forget that the woman or man you marry has to accept you as a package. We must remember that when we are brought together with our spouse by God, irrespective of the good and bad in each person, we both somehow fit together.
All men are not brave, bold, and outgoing. Some men are temperamentally timid and quiet. That doesn’t mean that they are not fit to be leaders in the home. God gives people different temperaments based on the ministry he has for that person. God gave John the Baptist a particular ministry and He gave him certain type of temperament to match. If John the Baptist were like Timothy, very timid and quiet, he would never have been able to fulfil his ministry. He had to have a particular temperament when he was born to fulfil his ministry. So, wives don’t wish that your husband were a fiery, outgoing, explorer type of person if God has made him a timid, quiet, and gentle type of person. That is the way God made him for his particular ministry. But I say, you as a wife can hinder that ministry, if you don’t allow him to lead.
Women sometimes worry about little things such as losing a little money, even though men don’t think like that. It is a universal temperament of women. It’s not just your wife. Men may think, “Why does my wife behave like this for a little loss of money?” It’s because she is a woman. God has made her like that. Through the years, I have tried analysing the reason why God made women like this. I think the reason is that a woman must be very sensitive because she bears children. When a baby cries, usually the husband doesn’t have a clue what the reason is. But the wife immediately knows. God made her sensitive to be a mother.
It’s no use for a wife to ask her husband, “Do you know why the child is crying?” No, he doesn’t because he is a man. The simple exhortation that I can give to every couple for all the puzzlements that you have about each other is this: husbands, remember your wife is a woman. She was created like that. And wives, remember your husband is a man. He was created like that. That is the only answer to some questions like, “Why can’t you think like this?” or “Why does she worry about the 50 paise?” Suppose, husband, that your pocket was picked, and you lost 100 rupees. You can sleep peacefully, but your wife is disturbed the whole night because she is a woman. God has given her a sensitive nature that frets about small things. That is the reason why I mentioned earlier that each one of us is a package to be accepted in totality by the other.
Remember the illustration of a broken egg that we spoke about. Each part of the broken egg has extensions and depressions. When you put them together, for every extension there is a corresponding depression on the other half and vice versa. So, where you have a weakness, your partner has strength, and where you have strength, your partner has a weakness - but together you become perfectly one. This is what it means when God said to Adam, ‘I will make him a helper perfectly suited for him.’ In terms of our illustration, God first made Adam like half an egg with all the jagged edges. Then God said as it were, ‘What's this fellow? He is only half an eggshell. Let us make him complete.’ And to make him complete, God designed another half of an eggshell with exactly corresponding depressions and extensions. Then when they were put together, they perfectly fit.
That is why you find that your wife looks at things from a different perspective than you. Supposing a couple were to look at a building from different sides or angles and compare their pictures. The pictures won’t be identical. They are bound to be different because they are pictures of different sides of the building. But together they give a totality of the building. So, in every issue, especially bringing up children, you need input from both partners. You need a three dimensional picture which gives more information. That is why we began this chapter with the phrase, "two are better than one."
The best of us, even the most spiritual person, is like half an eggshell as far as marriage is concerned. So, when God unites you with another person in marriage, you become complete. This doesn’t mean that you have to marry to be a complete person. That is not a correct understanding. Jesus was a perfectly complete person without being married. Paul was a perfectly complete person without being married. Sadhu Sunder Singh and many other godly people who never got married were complete people. The illustration of being half an eggshell is only applicable in the context of marriage. Once you decide to get married, you must recognise that in your marriage relationship, you are half an eggshell, and your marriage partner is the other half. This analogy does not apply to a person’s spiritual contribution to the church. You may have a useless wife or husband, yet your contribution to the church can still be whole. But in the context of marriage, it is not your children who make the eggshell whole – it is your spouse.
Chapter 6
The Glory Of Submission
In the sight of God, husband and wife are equal and each of their contributions are equally important for a stable, happy, and successful marriage. Their roles, however, differ and are defined in the Scriptures. Marriage was God's idea; He is the “Manufacturer”. The Manufacturer's Instructions are to be depended on more than our own ideas and opinions. The instructions in the Manufacturer’s booklet say: “Be subject to one another in reverence for Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church. As the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself…and the two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:21-31).
The first sentence eliminates any notion of dictatorship or authoritarianism in a marriage relationship. Reverence for Christ demands respect for one another. The last sentence describes the ultimate goal - unity. Anything that hinders reaching that goal must be eliminated ruthlessly. The sentences in between show us the pathway to reach the goal - the husband's love and the wife's submission.
The husband's leadership is a function just like the wife's motherhood is a function. Both are equally important. Being a mother does not make the wife superior in any way. Likewise, being the head (leader) does not make the husband superior in any way. For a woman to try and be the head of the home is therefore as foolish as a man trying to be a mother. Consider another aspect of this analogy. In the conception of a baby, the husband and wife both contribute their parts in love, but it is the wife who processes these inputs and finally brings forth the baby. Whose contribution is more important? Both are equally important. Without one or the other, you cannot have a baby. The same is applicable in decision making at home. The husband and wife both contribute their opinions in love, but it is the husband who processes them together and finally makes the decision. Whose contribution is more important? Both are equally important.
The result should be that a discussion between a husband and his wife on any subject is as enjoyable as their having sex together. Ultimately, they hope to have a baby (a decision) that will bring joy and blessing to both. But all mothers know that there is lot of pain in the process of delivery - a pain that is forgotten when the child is born. John 16:21 in the Message Bible says, “When a woman gives birth, she has a hard time, there's no getting around it. But when the baby is born, there is joy in the birth. This new life in the world wipes out the memory of the pain.” Similarly, in Christ-like decision-making in the family, there can be a lot of pain in the delivery, but there will be joy finally.
Submitting to One Another
The most important passage on family relations is in Ephesians 5 which we just covered. In this passage, we read about how the wife should submit to her husband. But any verse taken out of context, without relating it to other verses, can give us wrong ideas. That is why we need to read scripture carefully. Cults are formed when people take one verse and magnify it out of proportion to the other verses in Scripture. Therefore, we need to see this verse about the submission of a wife to her husband in its context. In the beginning of the passage, we read in verse 21, “Submit yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” At face value, this implies that husbands should submit to their wives, and wives should submit to their husbands! It is in this backdrop of submitting to one another that we see the command for a wife to submit to her husband.
What does it mean to submit to one another in the fear of God? If we do not understand this first, we cannot properly understand the submission of a wife or children or servants which are spoken of later in this passage. First of all, submitting to one another does not mean that the husband should submit to his wife and masters should submit to their servants. The best way to understand this submission to one another is by the following illustration: God has drawn a circle around every individual – a circle into which no other person has a right to tread. There is a little circle around my wife, a little circle around each of my children, and circles around my servants at home. I have no right to tread into those circles - whatever authority I may have. This circle may represent different things, but one example is a person’s dignity. Every human being has a certain dignity about him - even a child. So, if I humiliate my child before others when I discipline him, I have trod into his circle. Instead, I should preserve his dignity by punishing him in private. Likewise, a servant has a circle around him so I can’t call him names like, ‘pig’, ‘dog’, etc. In such occasions, I need to be subject to my child or my servant and not tread into their circles out of a fear of God.
The same goes for a man’s wife. A man does not have a totalitarian authority over his wife where he can demand whatever he wants from her, irrespective of her feelings. God has drawn a circle around her which includes her dignity, her needs, her emotional frame, etc. If I ignore it, that means I don’t have the fear of Christ. In the Old Testament, it said that you should rise up before a grey-haired person. But the New Covenant calls us to honour all men (1 Peter 2:17). We are supposed to respect all people. In India, because of the heathen culture, people are horrified if a wife speaks disrespectfully to her husband, but the husband can use any language he wants without respecting his wife’s circle. However, it is only on the basis of mutual respect (submitting to one another) that we can properly understand the role of the wife in the family.
One of the first things that we need to learn is to speak to one another with respect. The Bible exhorts us to always be ready to give an answer to those who ask about our faith - with meekness and respect (1 Peter 3:15). The proof that we fear Christ is that we recognize the circles of dignity of other human beings and do not tread into them. Many problems in churches and marriages could be solved if we learn to restrain ourselves and speak with respect, even if we disagree on some matter.
Dignity of Submission
The Bible tells wives, “Be subject to your own husbands.” Unfortunately, submission is thought of as disgraceful and is considered to be a concept from the world. In the world, rulers exercise authority without respecting anybody and demand to get their way. Because of this, many people think that to be subject or submissive to someone is a shameful thing and shows weakness. But we should not be guided by the counsel of the wicked or be influenced by worldly principles. When we look to the Scriptures to understand submission and see what it means for wives to be subject to their husbands, every woman would gladly do it.
These days, there is a battle raging for the equality of sexes and sexual orientations. As Christians, it is good for us to look to the word of God. As we saw in the earlier chapters, 1 Corinthians 11:3 says that a man is the head of the woman. This is God’s word. God’s word does not change, whatever people may say. Heaven and earth will pass away, but His words do not change. In verse 9 of the same chapter, we read that the man was not created for the woman’s sake, but the woman for the man’s sake. Though it is true that God accepts both man and woman equally, when it comes to authority and vision, God wants man to be the head of the house. This has to be recognised, and a woman who desires to have a home that glorifies God must gladly accept her husband’s position of the authority.
It is clear from God’s word that man is the head of the woman. For us to clearly understand what headship means, we need to look at the latter part of verse 3. There it gives the example of God being the head of Christ. Now we can appreciate the dignity of it. It is not having a master-slave relationship. The Father’s relationship to Christ was far from that of a slave master to a slave. Even though it is the fellowship of equals from all eternity, the Son joyfully chose to be subject to the Father. That is the example given to wives. Do we need a better example than Jesus? We read in Philippians 2:6-7, “…though He was equal, He did not consider equality with God a thing to be held on to but gladly gave it up and took the form of a servant.” Jesus earnestly desired that His disciples would become one just as He was one with the Father. God looks at many homes and desires the same for the husband and wife.
Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Why does it say that it is the woman who builds the house and not the man? I have thought about it for years and here is the answer I have come up with: the woman builds the house because it is the woman who brings the spirit of submission into her home and manifests the glory of Christ – that is, if she is a godly sister. Sadly, very few sisters bring the glory of submission into their homes. The wise woman builds her home but the foolish tears it down. The one who tears down is the devil and the one who builds is the Lord.
Humility is the Bedrock of Submission
Let us look at the origin of Satan. Lucifer was appointed as the head of the angels, but he became Satan when, out of pride, arrogance, and discontentment, he decided to move into a position and ministry that God had not given him. That is how he became the devil. Sin didn’t come into the world through murder or adultery; it came through pride and arrogance. Lucifer tried to assert himself and thus became the devil. Jesus came to redeem man from the poisons of despising others, pride, arrogance, self-assertion, and domineering over others that Satan injected into the human race.
How did Jesus redeem man from these poisons? By being subject to His Father in humility. There was no other way. You can conquer one spirit only by having the opposite spirit. Satan became Satan through the spirit of pride, and therefore we have to conquer him by having the opposite spirit of humility. We need to understand that all arrogance, self-assertion, and domineering are 100% from the devil, and the only way to overcome these qualities is by having the opposite spirit. If a wife is arguing and the husband decides to deal with the situation by retaliating with more arrogance, pride, and self-assertiveness, that is not going to lead to victory. The way to win the battle is by the husband giving up his rights. This is so contrary to our human thinking. People think that it is foolish and stupid to give up their rights, but Jesus demonstrated that He could overcome and triumph over Satan by humbling himself, giving up His rights, and submitting to His Father.
We know that Jesus submitted to the Father, and we may say, “I don’t have much problem in submitting to God. My problem is when I have to submit to human beings.” Many wives say that they don’t have any problem submitting to God, but submitting to their imperfect husband is the problem. For everything in life, Jesus is our example. Jesus, at the age of 12, knew more of the Scriptures than anybody in the whole land of Israel – certainly more than Joseph and Mary. Yet we read in Luke 2:51 that immediately after Jesus’ discussion with the scribes in the temple, He went home and was subject to His earthly parents. That is where we see the glory of Jesus. It was easy for Him to submit to His heavenly Father, but He submitted to imperfect human beings who knew less than Him.
Jesus is an example for women who have imperfect husbands - husbands who do not know the Bible or who have plenty of things wrong with them. Jesus, with His perfect discernment, would have seen a number of things wrong in Joseph and Mary - but He still submitted. He knew that He could never overcome Satan if He did not submit. He knew God wanted Him to submit. That was all that mattered to Him and He submitted irrespective of their spiritual state. There are many wives who do not take the position that God’s word instructs them to take. They use their reason and go astray exactly like Eve. Think, for a moment, about how many temptations the Lord Jesus would have faced while submitting throughout his childhood to imperfect earthly parents. Perhaps He was disciplined for mistakes He did not make, yet He submitted right through.
True Spirit of Submission
In Genesis 2, we see that God designated the woman whom He created to be a helper suitable for Adam. In John 14:16, before going to the cross, Jesus spoke about the coming of the Holy Spirit and said these words, “I will ask of the Father and He will give you another helper that He may be with you for ever.” The designations used for the woman and for the Holy Spirit are the same. This is a tremendous calling for a wife. We already saw that she must follow Christ in the way He submitted to the Father, and now we see that she must be like the Holy Spirit as well. What greater joy can there be for any wife than to be like Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit?
What does it mean to be a helper? What is the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives? How does He work? He works behind the scenes, invisibly, without pomp or show, and yet in such a way that, without Him, we would not be able to do God’s work. For years now, I have realised that, without the Holy Spirit’s power, I would never be able to do the work of God. Yet when I minister God’s word, no one can see the Holy Spirit. People only see me, and the Holy Spirit does not mind. He doesn’t want any honour, yet He keeps on supplying the power needed for our lives. Do you recognize, dear wives, that your ministry is like that of the Holy Spirit - supporting your husband from behind, even if you don’t get any credit and honour for it?
I often think of the wife’s ministry as the human heart which never ceases to pump blood as long as a person is alive. Have you ever seen your heart? No, because it is hidden. But everything in the body will collapse if it stops pumping. The heart doesn’t seek honour; it doesn’t seek to be visible like the hands, the eyes, or the tongue. It works inside quietly. That is how the Holy Spirit works too. When a woman sees the glory of being a wife, she will realise the tremendous ministry that she can fulfil before the eyes of God. She won’t lose her reward. In the final day, God will bring her right in front and show other people what she accomplished. Wives, you will have a great reward if you can be a hidden support to your husband. Take the second place joyfully. Jesus took it. The Holy Spirit takes it. That is the true spirit of submission.
In hell, joint leadership is impossible because everybody would want to usurp authority. Satan does not permit anyone else to lead with him. There is only one person – the devil – running the whole show just like in some churches these days. Nobody dares question the person leading. That is why God never instituted one man leadership in the church. With the Trinity, however, there is perfect equality because they have understood the spirit of submission. Why is it that nobody can have joint leadership with Satan in hell? They would devour one another, each trying to take over. That is the result of arrogance and pride. In a Christian home, if there is arguing over whose word goes, then we have not understood the spirit of heaven. On the contrary, the spirit of hell has been brought right into the home.
Peter, in his epistle, talks about woman’s submission to her husband. In 1 Peter 3:1-5, he particularly speaks to women whose husbands are disobedient to the word of God. Are you concerned that your husband is disobedient to the word? Maybe your husband is an unbeliever or a believer who does not love you. Maybe he doesn’t obey even a single word of God. Then these verses are for you. “In the same way, wives, be subject to your husbands, even if they are disobedient to the word, so that they may be won without a word” (1 Peter 3:1). Can you set aside your reason and believe God’s word? How many of you believe that you can change your husband without preaching to him? There are very few zealous sisters like that who believe they can change their husband without speaking a single word - by their behaviour alone.
Peter begins with, ‘in the same way.’ What does he mean? In which way are wives to be subject to their husbands? It is by following Christ. We read in 1 Peter 2:21, “Christ also suffered leaving you an example.” Under whose hands did Christ suffer? Under the hands of Jewish people who had the Bible. They even preached from it and yet were disobedient to God’s word. Maybe your husband is like that. The Jews treated Jesus Christ terribly – they mocked Him, they ill-treated Him, they reviled Him, they slapped Him, and they spat on Him. But it says, “He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously” (1 Peter 2:23). In the same way, wives should be subject to their husbands.
The glory of the New Testament is that it is not just filled with commandments, but there is an example for us to follow. If it were just a command to be submissive, that wouldn’t have been so easy. But when it says, “In the same way,” that means we can look at the example of Jesus who submitted to people who held the Bible and were totally disobedient to it. The end result of Jesus’ submission is that He brought salvation to the whole world.
One of the greatest woman saints that I have ever read of is a woman called Madam Guyon who lived in France over 300 years ago. She wasn’t a great preacher, but some of her writings reveal the tremendous light she had in relation to God and His word - more than many other saints. Do you know how she had such revelation? It was through sufferings. She had a husband who did not understand her, she had to live in a house with a mother-in-law who was against her, and there was a servant woman who was also against her - a husband, a mother-in-law, and a servant all ganged up together against this godly young woman. The servant used to go and complain about her to the husband and the husband would believe the servant and not his own wife. But Madam Guyon loved them all. She embraced the cross and died to herself. She prayed that she would get the opportunity to take up the cross daily. She loved the servant; she would give her gifts and was good to her.
You might wonder, when you submit, if others will take advantage of you. But the Bible says that we will not be tested beyond our ability. God did not allow Madam Guyon to be tested beyond her ability. Through all that she suffered, she came out to be one of the finest saints in the history of Christianity. Many others do not reach there because they do not believe that submission is the pathway to God’s glory. Her biography challenges me. I see in her book things that really bless my heart which no modern-day preacher preaches about, because they choose not to go on the pathway of suffering. It is the pathway of suffering and submission that brings glory. Madam Guyon experienced it, and she became a tremendous influence in her time. She acquired this knowledge of God right in her home, in the midst of sufferings and misunderstandings.
We read in 1 Peter 3:6 “… just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.” This is an important verse for sisters to think about and meditate on because it says you have become children of Sarah if you do what is right and are not frightened by any fear. When you think about submission, there can be a fear that comes in. You may think, “If I submit totally to my husband in everything, what will happen? Life will be very difficult for me.” I wish there were many sisters in this land who could demonstrate that they have not suffered by obeying their husbands. Let your husband take decisions because God has placed him as the head of the house and that is his responsibility. Sometimes a woman thinks she is cleverer than her husband. When Jesus was in his home in Nazareth, He let Joseph and Mary take the decisions. Is it because they knew more than Him? No. He let them take the decisions because that was the place God had given to them.
Power of Submission
Wives, let your husband take the decisions and submit to them. Your home will be a far more peaceful home. Years later, when you look back, you will see that there was no reason to be afraid. The only place where you can disobey your husband is when he tells you to do something which is directly forbidden in scriptures, such as bowing before an idol, telling a lie, signing a false statement, or anything else which the scripture forbids. I don’t think that any Christian husband would ask you to do those things.
We need to understand the tremendous power of submission. Jesus came to demonstrate that the power of humbling oneself under God’s mighty hand is far greater than the powers of pride, arrogance, and self-assertion which the devil tries to rule the universe with. We must not only see that Jesus died for our sins on the cross, but also that Jesus overcame Satan on the cross. How did He overcome Satan? It was with the power of humility, submission, and death to self. This is the only way to overcome Satan. Arrogance can’t be overcome with more arrogance. That is the stupidity of the world. One fellow fights with another and the other fellow tries to teach him a lesson, but it never solves the problem. Ephesians 5:24 says, “As the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” Twenty-first century women just do not like that verse. You are only able to submit to your husband in everything if you have seen the glory of Christ – how He overcame Satan through the power of submission. You can never overcome Satan through the powers of pride and self-assertion in your home. Nobody has ever succeeded in driving the devil out with the spirit of the devil. If you want to drive the devil out, you should have the spirit of Christ. The spirit of Christ is not that of pride, arrogance, and self-assertion, but one of submission under injustice and of faith in God who will never let things become too much to handle. Our homes must be a living testimony to the fact that, with the spirit of Christ, we can drive Satan away.
Peter goes onto to say, “In the same way, the holy women of old who trusted in God, adorned themselves by being submissive to their own husbands” (1 Peter 3:5). Being submissive to your husband is called an adornment here. Which woman is there who doesn’t like to adorn herself? The Bible says that true adornment before God is a gentle and a quiet spirit in submission to your husband. That is how Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord without being frightened by any fear. Peter recognizes that you may be frightened as to what will happen if you submit in everything. As long as you put your trust in God who is on the throne controlling all circumstances, you don’t have to be afraid. Even a single hair on our head will not fall off without His knowledge. He will never allow things to go too far, beyond what you can endure.
I remember hearing the true story of a sister who unfortunately was married to an unbeliever. The first day after marriage, the husband asked her to come with him to the cinema, to which she never wanted to go. Nevertheless, for the sake submission, she went along and sat in the theatre with her eyes closed. But every time her husband got excited about a particular scene, he saw her eyes closed. When they returned home, he said, “You are such a bore, and I will never take you to a cinema again.” Her prayer was answered because she handled the situation in such a wise way - in a spirit of submission - without fighting and shouting at him. Finally, the man came to the Lord.
Do you see the great power in submission? It has the power to pull a man out of the clutches of the devil and bring him into the kingdom of God. What greater power is there than that? A woman can pull a man out of the lion’s mouth if she submits. Whatever problem there is in your husband, submit to God and His word and you can bring glory and salvation into your home. It is the woman who builds her home through the spirit of submission. A wise woman builds her house and a foolish woman tears it down by a rebellious and arrogant spirit.
In conclusion, let us look at the instructions from the Manufacturer's booklet: “Wives, fit in with your husbands' plans. Be beautiful inside, in your hearts, with the lasting charm of a gentle and quiet spirit that is so precious to God. That kind of deep beauty was seen in the saintly women of old, who trusted God and fitted in with their husbands' plans. Sarah, for instance, obeyed her husband Abraham, honoring him as head of the house. You husbands must be careful of your wives, being thoughtful of their needs and honoring them as the weaker sex. Remember that you and your wife are partners in receiving God's blessings, and if you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not get ready answers. And now this word to both of you: You should be a happy family, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds” (1 Peter 3:1-8 – The Living Bible).
“Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love” (Ephesians 4:2 – The Living Bible).
May God help us to overcome Satan by the spirit of submission and by the giving up of our rights. God’s word is true, and we will be rewarded when we obey it wholeheartedly. The way of the cross is the way to glory, and there is tremendous power in submission.
Chapter 7
Loving Your Wife As Christ Loved The Church
Having looked at the role of the wife in a marriage in the previous chapter, let us now see the role of the husband in building the family. We shall cover the husband’s role in this chapter and the next. We looked at the role of the wife first because her role is mentioned first in Ephesians 5. After we read that wives should subject themselves to their husbands, we read that husbands should love their wives. Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” It is not that one role is more important than the other; both husbands’ and wives’ roles are equally important. But it is good to see the order that God has laid out in His word. It begins with wives submitting to husbands, then continues with husbands loving their wives, children obeying their parents, father’s not provoking their children, servants being submissive to masters, and so on. It is important that we take note of the order God has laid out.
God is trying to show us the tremendous power that there is in a wife or a child or a slave being in submission to the authority placed over them. Let us take the example of a child’s submission. The Bible says that, if a child obeys his father and mother, it will go well with the child and the child will live long on the earth. God honours those who obey the simple commands in scripture, whether it is a child or a wife or a slave. When we see a command in God’s word, we can either try to bring God’s word down to our level (because we don’t want to accept the high standards of God’s word) or we can acknowledge our true condition and long to attain to God’s standard. If you belong to the second category, there is hope for you that you will be able to attain to God’s standard one day.
The Bible clearly describes God’s standards for wives and husbands. When you see those standards and acknowledge before God that you haven’t attained to them, yet you express your longing to attain to them, then there is tremendous hope for you to have a marriage that is like a foretaste of heaven on earth. In the Lord’s Prayer, the Lord taught us to pray, “Thy will be done on earth, as it is done in heaven.” Heaven is a place of perfect peace because God’s will is done perfectly there. Our homes can be like heaven if we have the same passion to do God’s will as the angels in heaven. It will bring the atmosphere of heaven into our homes! In hell, it is the complete opposite. They don’t care for God’s word and they don’t care for God’s will. That is the reason why many homes are like hell on earth. It all has to do with our attitude to God’s word and its teaching. Any amount of marriage counselling and techniques to improve your marriage will not help if you don’t go to God’s word and accept what it says.
Power of Not Blaming
After reading through the previous chapter about a wife’s submission, you might think that is a very difficult task if you are a wife. Let me assure you that what is demanded of husbands is even more difficult. The standard set by God for husbands is to love their wives as Christ loved the church. It is easier to submit than to love. What does it mean to love one’s wife as Christ loved the church?
In Christ, we see a total redemption from all that was inherited from Adam. The first thing that we notice in Adam’s attitude towards his wife after he sinned is that he pointed his finger at her. After Adam sinned, God asked him a simple question: God asked whether he had eaten of the forbidden tree or not. Instead of answering a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’, he blamed his wife. His response to God was that the woman whom God had given him caused him to sin. For the last 6,000 years, hundreds of millions of men have followed in those footsteps of Adam – blaming their wives for things. As long as we continue like that, there will be no salvation and there will be no heaven on earth, but rather a sad prospect of hell.
How did Jesus love? When He died on Calvary’s cross, He took the blame for sins He had not committed. There is the contrast between Adam and Christ. Adam did not take the blame for his own sin; He blamed his wife. Jesus took the blame for sins He had never committed; He took the blame for the sins of the whole world. All of us, whether we know it or not, are following either Adam or Christ. When we are born again, we claim that our connection with Adam has been broken. But how is it in our behaviour with our wives at home? Is it not just like Adam? So, the problems continue.
God wants to bring us to a place where we don’t blame our wives for anything. After all, how does it help? The problem isn’t solved by knowing who made the mistake. The important thing is to see whether the problem can be solved. That is what God did in Eden. Unlike Adam, He provided a solution to the problem. He said that the Seed of the woman would come one day and deal with the problem permanently. That is God’s way. A godly person is also like that. When he sees that there is some problem, he will not waste his time finding out who made the mistake. Instead, he will provide a solution.
Christ loved the world not by coming to judge or blame the world, but by coming to save it. We do not have the right to judge or to blame if Jesus Himself did not come with that spirit. This is the number one cause why the spirit of hell reigns in many homes: we haven’t rid ourselves of this blaming attitude which says, “I told you!” These words must never be found in our vocabulary. Jesus never came and said, “I told you you shouldn’t do that.” He came to bring a solution. It is with this spirit that the husband should love his wife.
What are you going to do, as the head of the home, if your wife makes a mistake? Are you going to blame her? Adam did not solve the problem by putting the blame on Eve, and you cannot either. If you are godly, you will help to find a solution. In order to do that you will have to eliminate the spirit of blaming and fault-finding from your life. This spirit is deep rooted in all of us, and it does not go away that easily. We seldom like to acknowledge that we could be the cause of a lot of problems that come. Sometimes they are not caused by what we have done, but by what we have not done. Think of a situation where your wife suddenly flares up for something. You can sit there and say, “What did I do now? I didn’t hurt her in any way. I never did anything wrong.” You are like a self-righteous Pharisee, and you judge your wife inwardly for being so carnal, thinking that you are totally without fault. You conclude that it is her temperament and moods that make her behave like that.
I have discovered through the years that there is only one person in the whole universe who is totally free from blame or fault – God. God is the only one who never makes a mistake. I believe that in our very best and saintliness moments, we are still full of errors. I agree that you may not have done anything to provoke your wife, but what about the things that you forgot or neglected to do? Very often when we think of sin, we think only of sins that we commit. But there are sins of omission – sins of not doing things that we should have. You may not have yelled at your wife or gotten angry with her or used a bad word or any such thing, so there was no sin of commission. But what about sins of omission? Have you taken time to be with her and encourage her? Have you cared about what a lot of issues she has to deal with at home? Do you think of those things at all? Very often it is sins of omission that cause eruptions in the home, and the fault lies with the husband. Not because he did something wrong, but because he did not do what he should have done.
The Bible says in James 4:17, “The man who knows what is the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.” It is good for us, in every situation, to do what the scripture says and judge ourselves. There will always be something in my life that I need to set right. If you are really serious about improving the quality of your married life, I encourage both husbands and wives to completely eliminate the habit of blaming the other person. Take a decision today that from now on, you will never again do what Adam did in the Garden of Eden and blame your marriage partner.
Power of Being Alert to Your Wife’s Needs
In John 13, Jesus took a basin of water and a towel, girded Himself, and washed the disciples’ feet. Jesus was alert to the needs of His disciples and acted on them. In those days, people wore sandals, and their feet became dusty after walking on the dirt roads. In every home there would be a basin of water, and a servant was at hand to wash the feet of the guests before they ate a meal. But when Jesus and the disciples were about to eat the last supper, there was no servant. The basin of water was there, and the food was ready, but there was no servant present. None of the disciples were willing to do the job of a servant, so Jesus said, “I’ll do it.” He took the basin of water and did what was normally done by a servant in any home when guests were invited for dinner. The point is not that He washed their feet which we then blindly practice as a ritual. The important thing is the principle behind Jesus washing their feet. There was a need and Jesus was alert and met that need.
This is an example of Jesus’ love for the church which is how every husband is supposed to love his wife. When the Bible says that a husband must love his wife as Christ loved the church, this is something that we need to keep in mind: to be alert to the needs of our wife and meet them. Sometimes husbands can be so insensitive and neglect their wife’s needs. They are not alert like Jesus was. It is not a question of committing a sin against her. If Jesus had not taken that basin of water to wash the disciples’ feet, He wouldn’t have committed any sin against them. But it would have been a sin of omission had He not done it. Dear husbands, the problem is not so much what you do, but what you don’t do. I have seen a number of brothers who are so zealous to do the Lord’s work that as soon as they finish their secular work, they are busy doing something for the Lord. But the problem is they are not alert to the needs of their wives at home. They are not considerate of how their wives struggle with their children at home. They excuse themselves saying, “I was busy with the Lord’s work.” So, when eruptions take place at home, it is an indication of the wife’s needs not being met. Typically, the husband is 100% responsible for this – not because he did anything provocative, but because he was not considerate.
The husband often doesn’t consider his wife to be a weaker vessel who needs encouragement and help. Many a times I have said to brothers who are keen on having a quiet time in the morning, “When you sit there reading the Bible in the morning, trying to listen for what God is saying to you, and you realise that your wife is struggling to get the children ready for school and get food ready in the kitchen, what you should hear God saying to you is, ‘Close your Bible and go help your wife.’” Does it surprise you that God could say something like that? You are sitting there, trying to figure out the interpretation of some difficult verse in the Bible, but God is trying to tell you something very down to earth and practical. We don’t tend to hear that, do we? It is much easier to figure out some difficult verse in the Bible than to do the practical thing which God is asking.
That is why Jesus picked up the basin to wash His disciples’ feet. He heard God speak to His heart and He simply obeyed. If we are sensitive to the Holy Spirit, He will tell us to do some amazing things – not to preach a sermon, but to pick up a basin of water and change the baby’s nappy. Why don’t you help your wife rather than trying to interpret the Bible? How can you understand the Bible unless you are first alert to the needs in your family? This is what it means to love our wives as Christ loved the church. So many problems could be nipped in the bud if we were a little more alert and sensitive to the needs of our wives.
Consider, as I said earlier, a wife who is upset about something, because her husband never spent time with her or went out for a walk with her. He never allowed her to express herself and he glories in the fact that he never yelled at her or said anything bad. He blames her for the conflict that has arisen, but he is completely ignorant of what he himself has not done. He sits there quietly and says inwardly to himself, “Lord, I thank you that I’m not like my wife. I thank you that I have victory over anger.” Do you realise in that moment that your wife may be a million times more acceptable to God than the proud Pharisee that you are? Yes, she lost her temper and yelled at you, but later she realises that she sinned, and goes before the Lord and repents. You, on the other hand, will never discover what a Pharisee you are. There is a lot of Pharisaism in you, particularly if you are very active in the Lord’s work! The eldest son in the story of the prodigal son was so active in serving his father, but what a Pharisee he was!
Jesus Christ was always alert to the needs of the people around Him because He was considerate of others. Wasn’t it sensitivity to our needs that brought Jesus all the way from heaven down to earth? That is how He displays His love. Love is to be alert to others’ needs. We see that in the attitude of a mother toward her child. She is alert to the needs of her child and reacts immediately.
Power of Endless Forgiveness
Another mark of the love of Christ for the church is that He forgives endlessly. The Bible says that the mercy of the Lord endures forever. There is never a sin that He will not forgive. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us, and His forgiveness is endless. Even if you have committed 20 million sins, the Lord will forgive you if you go back to Him. Even if you commit another 20 million sins, the Lord will still forgive you. To love one’s wife as Christ loved the church is to have this spirit of endless mercy and forgiveness. I believe this is one of the primary marks of a godly man: he is merciful. When each of us encountered God for the first time, what was His first characteristic that we came across? It was not His holiness; it was His mercy. That was what each of us needed first and that was what we encountered in Him. In the same way, our wives must see mercy and forgiveness in us in every encounter. If we cannot forgive, we cannot love as Christ loved the church.
When we consider all these standards, it is my conviction that the husband’s side is much more difficult than the wife’s. It is an amazing standard that the Lord has set before us – to love our wives as Christ loved the church. It is impossible to attain to this without the power of the Holy Spirit. We read in Ephesians 5-6 about home relationships. Beginning with Ephesians 5:22, it speaks about husbands and wives, then about parents and children, and finally about masters and slaves until Ephesians 6:9. Prior to this whole section on home relationships, Ephesians 5:18 tells us to be filled with the Holy Spirit. The fullness of the Holy Spirit is not only meant to give us the ability to speak in psalms, hymns and spiritual songs, and always to give thanks in everything in the name of the Lord (Ephesians 5:19-20), but also to make a man the type of husband and father he should be, and to make a woman the type of wife and mother she should be, and to make masters, servants and children as they should be. We need the power of the Holy Spirit. Be filled with the Spirit, and husbands love your wives. Otherwise, it is impossible.
The standards set by the Lord in the Sermon on the Mount are also unattainable with mere human strength. The Lord gave those standards so that people would realise that they are impossible for them to attain to. But don’t despair. There is a solution. Jesus said in John 14:15-16 that He would ask the Father to give us a Helper who would help us to keep these commandments. So let us not look at these standards and say that they are impossible to keep. They are impossible by human strength, but they are very possible with the help of the Holy Spirit.
Dead to Self
In Ephesians 2:14, we read about how Jesus made two groups into one. The reference there is to the Jews and the Gentiles – the two greatest opposites in human history – much greater opposites than the Brahmins and the Scheduled Castes in the Hindu society. We read here that Jesus made these two groups into one by abolishing in His flesh the enmity through His death on the cross. People who were complete opposites were made one by Jesus through His death. The Bible speaks not only of Christ dying on the cross, but also of our being crucified with Christ. When we die with Christ, one of the results is that we become one with others who also choose to die with Christ. Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and Christ loved the church enough to die for it. So, it should be the same with husbands. They should die to their rights, to their ego, and to their prestige. This doesn’t mean that we hand over the headship of the house to our wife. As we discussed in the last chapter, Jesus was not a door mat that people just walked over. If you ever went to a gathering of Jesus and His twelve disciples, you would be able to tell very quickly who the leader was. The same must be true in our homes too. Wives were never designed to be the head of the home. That is the role of the husband. But Jesus was the head in this way: He laid down his life and was willing to die to Himself. That is the secret of peace and unity in every home.
In the broken relationship between God and man, who took the first step toward reconciliation? It was God because He is the head and the more spiritual one. In a broken relationship between a husband and his wife, who should take the first step toward reconciliation? The one who is more spiritual! In a strained relationship, who should be the first one to ask for forgiveness? Certainly, the head of the home. He has to be an example. Jesus, as our head, is a shepherd. He is not a hireling. The difference between a shepherd and a hireling is that the shepherd leads by example. Jesus drew us to Himself by His example and not by floggings and commandments. He laid down His life and that is how He won us.
If you see a fault in your wife, what do you do? The Bible says that Jesus came to remove every spot and wrinkle from us. In order to do that, He laid down His life. He didn’t just come to find and expose our faults. That is how God wants husbands to be. He doesn’t want us to just identify a spot or wrinkle. He wants us to see how it can be removed. The more we meditate on what it means to love our wives as Christ loved the church, we will gain a deeper understanding on what leadership means. In the past, we may have asserted our position as heads of the home in taking decisions, enforcing rules, etc., but that is far from the type of leadership that Jesus demonstrated. He won our hearts by love, not by threatening. If one person is willing to die in a home, that will pave the way for peace and unity in that home.
Consider for a moment that the couple who live next door to you are constantly fighting. You hear, day after day, arguments, name calling, etc. and you begin to get used to this daily routine. One day, however, you don’t hear the usual quarrelling, and you wonder what happened. Then you come to find out that the husband died. That was the reason for the peace. What is the application for us? If one person is willing to die and consider himself dead, there will be peace. This is the way Jesus established peace between brother and brother, and husband and wife. If you want peace between you and your spouse, die to the desire to retaliate when insulted. How would a dead person react? Would he be insulted? This is what Jesus meant when He taught, “You can never be my disciple, unless you take up the cross and follow me.”
Between Christ and the church, who was the first to take up the cross and die? Not the church. Christ did it first and then He commanded us to do it. Likewise in a home, the husband must set the example by dying first. This is what it means when the Bible says for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. If a husband dies first, his wife will see his example just like the church saw an example in Jesus. It is the example of a husband dying to himself in the home, situation after situation after situation, that challenges the wife to go that way too. Then there will be peace.
Dead to the World
Now imagine a home where both the husband and the wife are gripped by the message of the cross and long to take up the cross and follow Jesus every day. The Bible says that if we died with Him, we shall live with Him also. Therefore, the resurrection power of God will be manifested in such a home, and it will be like heaven on earth. Can there be a better atmosphere in our home for our children? – A little bit of heaven on earth! The point that I am trying to make is that there is a weighty responsibility upon the husband to be a leader and a shepherd who leads by example – willing to lay down His life.
This was how Jesus overcame Satan. The Bible says that “ ..through death He might render powerless the one who has the power over death, that is the devil” (Hebrews 2:14). Jesus overcame Satan through death. Satan has no power over a man who decides to take up his cross and follow Jesus. But he has tremendous power over a man who is unwilling to die. Paul once said, “The world is crucified to me and I’m crucified to the world” (Galatians 6:14). The Living Bible puts it this way: “The world has no more attraction for me than it has for a dead man.” This is what it means to die. Does that not tell us why Satan can rule the lives of so many people? He offers them all the glorious things of the world just as he did with Jesus. But he had no power over Jesus, because Jesus was dead to this world. However much the world attracts a man when he is alive, he can’t take anything with him when he dies. This is one of the central teachings of the New Testament. That is what the scripture exhorts us: “Consider yourselves to be dead” (Romans 6:11). If you can understand this, it can bring heaven into your home.
Why it is that Satan rules so many homes? How does he have power over so many families? Let me tell you the simple reason: neither the husband nor the wife in that home has understood the power of dying with Jesus. At least one person must understand that power. There is tremendous power when we die. It doesn’t seem like that initially. Instead, it looks as though we are giving up our rights. But it is in that death that God is able to manifest His tremendous power. God is able to raise us from the dead and make Satan to flee. Through death, Jesus brought salvation into the world. Similarly, if one person in a home is willing to die, he will bring salvation, freedom and deliverance into that home.
There is tremendous power in death. Jesus overcame evil with good and overcame hatred with a spirit of love. Just as we spoke about the power of submission in the last chapter, there is also power in love – the power of never blaming another, the power of always being alert to others’ needs, the power of endlessly forgiving others, and the power of dying to my rights. Everything that the Bible teaches is foreign to the natural man. The natural man can’t understand it. That is why most people, when they hear these things, say, ‘I’m not interested in going that way.’ But this is God’s way. It is the way in which Jesus Christ will be Lord of our home and the power of the Holy Spirit can move freely. The Holy Spirit constantly led Jesus to the cross. Every voice that told Him to avoid the cross was rebuked. Peter once told Jesus not to go to the cross, but Jesus rebuked him by saying, “Get behind me, Satan.” We too hear voices telling us to avoid the cross. If only we could recognize such voices that say, ‘Assert yourself here. Be the head of your house.’ Husbands do need to be the head of their households, but in what way? – As Christ was the head. Not, as Jesus said, like the gentile rulers who like to lord over people and exercise their authority.
The relationship between husband and wife which is explained in Ephesians 5 is similar to the head and the body. The husband is not the head of a government but the head of a body. He is not to be like a prime minister or a president at home. Jesus said that you must not exercise authority. Even in a church, an elder is not like a prime minister or a president – far from it. That is out in the world. The type of headship found in Christianity, whether in a home or in the church, is not like the head of a government. The head of a body is not concerned about establishing its position like the prime minister in the cabinet. The head of a body is concerned about the needs of the body. Any little injury is immediately attended to. There is an intense concern to lead and guide the body, but the body’s interests are always kept in view.
We read in Ephesians 5:28, “So ought husbands to love their wives as their own body. He who loves his wife loves himself, because no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.” Let us be established in these basic principles of God’s word – as to what the position of a wife is and what the role of a husband is in building a godly home.
Chapter 8
Living With Your Wife In An Understanding Way
In the last chapter, we looked at one aspect of the role of the husband – loving his wife as Christ loved the church. In this chapter, we shall look at the responsibility of the husband to live with his wife in an understanding way. 1 Peter 3:7 says, “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” What does it mean to live with your wife in an understanding way? When we start our marriage, each of us desires to be the perfect husband. We do not want to make the mistakes we have seen other couples make. But as we go on in life, we discover how much selfishness dwells in our flesh and how much we lack wisdom. The more we recognise our failures in our married life, the more we cry out for wisdom. But by the grace of God, we can walk the new and living way which was opened for us through Jesus’ flesh (Hebrews 10:20). We can grow in wisdom, overcome the lusts in the flesh (particularly the lust to be selfish), and thus learn what the scripture means to live with our wives in an understanding way. A Companion The first thing the husband should recognize about his wife is that she is a companion. It was God who said that it is not good for a man to be alone. Man's loneliness was not good in God’s sight. With the creation of Eve, that which was “not good” became “very good.” That is the difference one woman made to the creation. We have already looked at this in detail in chapter 4, but the thing I would like you to notice is that God decided to make Eve not primarily to meet Adam's sexual need or to serve him, but primarily for companionship. To live in an understanding way with your wife is to see her as a companion and as a friend. In Indian culture, this will be considered strange. All heathen cultures tend to think of wives as servants – one who is there to produce children, cook the food, wash the clothes, and take care of husband's needs. She is not viewed as a companion. Even the Jews, who knew Genesis 2, did not have this understanding of a wife. But Jesus brought us back to God's original intentions in that a woman should be a companion for a man. When we get to the last book of the Old Testament – the book of Malachi – we see God having a complaint against the Priests: “The LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Why did God make you one? Because He was seeking a godly offspring. Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth” (Malachi 2:14-15). So, the emphasis in the last book of the Old Testament is what God had already said in the first book of Genesis – that the wife is a companion. It also calls her “your wife by covenant” and “the wife of your youth.” As the man grew older, he stopped treating her as his companion. When they were young, he treated her as a companion, but as time wore on, he neglected that aspect of their relationship. That is why God said the man had dealt treacherously against her. Peter further says that the reason you have to live with your wife in an understanding way is so that your prayers are not hindered. Malachi also says the same thing. If we do not appreciate our wives as a companion, then God will not hear us when we pray. So, let us consider these things and judge ourselves to see where we may have treated our wives like a Dhobi who just washes our clothes, or like a chef who merely cooks our food, or like a bed partner who gives us pleasure, or like a nanny who takes care of our children. Unfortunately, we have inherited this aspect of the Indian culture. Now we are called to be Christians primarily and not Indians. Our wife should be our companion – one with whom we talk and share things together; one with whom we share our joys, sorrows and burdens. Don’t treat your wife like a peon in an office. The director in an office tells the peon to go here, to get this, to do that, and for everything the peon responds, ‘yes sir’ and does what has been asked of him. That is excellent if you are a peon, but a wife is not called to be that. A wife is like an equal business partner God has given to us. Do we spend time talking to her? Well, we say we are very busy and are tired when we get back from the office, so we do not have time. There is an issue with our priorities. If we consider fellowship with our wife is a priority, we will find time for it. Suppose someone in our home is sick and admitted into a hospital. We suddenly find time to take care of that person and visit them in the hospital. We cut out certain things and adjust our priorities so that we make time to visit the hospital. In exactly the same way, if we realise that fellowship and companionship with our wife are a priority, we will find time for them. I believe these are areas where all of us have to admit that we have failed; we have neglected them so much. This is what it means to live with our wives in an understanding way. All over the world, the number one complaint of most wives is that their husbands do not spend enough time talking to them. I wonder whether, as men, we realise how much conversation, fellowship, and sharing together means to a wife. We go out for work in the world and do not realise the loneliness that a wife feels sitting all by herself the whole day at home. In the world, you have lots of people to converse and talk to, but she has no one to talk to. When you get back from work, she expects you to talk to her, and you do not even find time for this. You have not understood this word of God: He has given her to you as a companion. Perhaps in the days when you were engaged to her, you were eager to write to her and talk to her. What happened to that first love? It has disappeared. Make an effort to spend time with your wife. For example, if you are reading, why not put that book aside, and go sit in the kitchen for some time to fellowship with your wife? If your children have gone to bed, why not go out for a walk together regularly? If your children are small, this is obviously not possible. Then you can spend time together inside the home. But regardless, we need to see the importance of these things clearly. Sometimes husbands can be so overprotective of their wives that they never share anything with them. They say the reason is that they don’t want their wife to be burdened or disturbed. That may be true in some cases. There can be certain situations which you know that your wife can’t bear and, in such situations, it is better not to share. That should not be the norm, though. We need to help her to see that we are sharing our trials and difficulties, and that we need to pray together for them. As husband and wife go through trials together, they develop spiritually. Tribulations work patience, and patience leads to perfection. If you are overprotective and you do not share your difficulties with your wife, then what will happen one day when she becomes a widow? She will be unprepared to face the world because you did everything for her when you were alive. This is not right. We need to see her as a partner whom God has given to us to share everything in life. A Helper We have to recognise our wives not only as companions but helpers as well. We have already looked at this aspect in detail in chapters 2 and 5. God made woman as a helper to man; not just any helper but a helper exactly suitable for him. Your wife may not have qualities that some other wife has but she is exactly suitable for you. We have seen that the Holy Spirit is also called ‘Helper’. What does the Holy Spirit do? He comes to help us do the will of God. That is the function of the Helper. God has given you a wife also to help you do the will of God. Therefore, we need to esteem her as a helper just as we esteem the Holy Spirit. In the tasks that God gives a man to do, it is easy for him to assume that his wife does not understand. But if we recognised that it is God who gave her to us as a helper to do those tasks, it would make a big difference in our own spiritual development. I believe we, as husbands, need to ensure our wives feel a sense of worth. They should not feel that they are doing ordinary things. We should help them to see that they are helpers who have a vital part to play in our life and in our service for the Lord. This is the second major problem: wives all over the world feel a sense of worthlessness and uselessness, because they are just occupied with dishes, babies, napkins, sweeping the floor, etc. These are all certainly wonderful things to do for the glory of God, but she is not a single woman. She is a wife, and we need to help her see that in addition to these things she is also our helper. This is a very important ministry. God has given us wives as helpers in the ministry of raising children, to run the home, and also to help in our spiritual ministry. Now consider the Holy Spirit who is our helper. How do we feel when we are filled with the Holy Spirit? We thank God after we are filled with the Holy Spirit. In exactly the same way, we need to thank God for our wives. Throughout your married life, have you ever thanked God for your wife? You give thanks for the Holy Spirit who is your helper. What about your wife? We need to thank God for her as well. Here is an area where we need to judge ourselves. We need to go before God and thank Him for our wives who are our helpers. It is also good to tell our wives that we are thankful for them – but not in an artificial way, like western psychologists suggest. The Lord said that a husband and wife should become one. There is an aspect of oneness where we only fit together and become one due to our complementary natures. We looked at the illustration of two halves of an egg shell – how each half has projections and depressions corresponding to the other half. When you put them together, they become one. That is how it is to be with husband and wife. Husband and wife are like these two halves of an egg shell. Where there is a weakness in your personality as a husband, there will usually be a strong point in your wife, and where you have a strong point, perhaps there is a weakness in her. Together you become complete. If you try to make both halves of the egg shell to be the exact same, they will not fit together. That is the folly of so many husbands who are pressuring their wives to become like them. That will be a hindrance to your life and ministry. God has made her to be different so let her be different. I am not referring to sin but personality traits. Where there is sin, we need to help our wives overcome it by asking God for wisdom. If you find an area of sin in your wife, that is an assault from the devil. How should you handle it? Suppose some other man assaults your wife. Will you exhort her by saying, ‘Come on! Fight that man off!’? Or will you step in to protect your wife? I’m sure that all of us husbands would protect our wives if something like that happened. Now, let’s say a spirit attacks your wife and provokes her to anger. Do you do anything to bind that spirit or do you go exhort her by saying, ‘Come on! Fight back and overcome that anger!’? We don’t see it, but the spirit world is more real than this physical world we see. This is the attitude Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 speaks of: “Two are better than one… for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.” As human beings, our personalities differ. It is foolishness to try and change your wife to match your own personality. Allow her to be herself; then she can be a godly helper. A wife who just says ‘yes’ to whatever you say and follows you in everything without ever correcting you or giving you suggestions is not a helper. She may be a good follower, but she is not a helper. The Bible does not say to husbands, “Shepherd your wife,” nor does it say to wives, “Follow your husband as a sheep follows a shepherd.” There is a sense in which a husband is a shepherd and a wife must follow as a sheep (as we saw in chapter 2), but the wife is not a sheep who blindly follows without questioning. Then she will not be a helper. She cannot be a helper if you do not allow her to have her own opinions on certain matters and allow her to express those opinions to you. If you dominate her all the time, she will become a zombie, a mindless person, who just follows blindly. Dominating husbands crush the spirit of a helper in their wives. In the end, who suffers loss? It is the husband, of course, because he has no helper. That is foolishness. There are things that we need to share and discuss with our wives – concerning raising our children, disciplining our children, where children should go and not go. It is very important to discuss these matters with our wives instead of taking decisions on our own. Our wives can give God-given insight into aspects that we, as men, cannot see. That is why God has made man and woman. We can learn from one another. One last point about a wife being a helper is that it proves that I, as a husband, have needs in my life. Help is given because of a need. We read in Hebrews 4:16 about ‘grace to help in our time of need.’ It is good for husbands to recognise that we have needs, and that our wives are God’s method of providing help. Many husbands only think of their sexual needs, but there are many other needs we have which we will readily acknowledge if we are humble. God has not made us a complete egg shell all by ourselves. So let us humble ourselves and acknowledge our limitations and our need for our wives as helpers. Let us remember that God has not made us everything. He has put boundaries around us so that we can be complete only when we recognise our wife as the helper. This is the reason God has given us wives, so let us appreciate them. A Fellow Heir The next point we see in Peter’s exhortation is that our wife is a fellow heir of the grace of life. Now, I do not understand all that is involved in this phrase, ‘grace of life.’ It refers to life on earth as well as eternal life. When it refers to a ‘fellow heir,’ it means our rule on the throne. Both the husband and the wife have to sit together on the throne. In other words, if I try to sit on the throne all by myself, I am not going to receive the grace of life. Instead of allowing her to sit on the throne with me, if I have tried to put her under my feet, I cannot have what God wants me to have. As a husband, I need to see that my wife sits on the throne with me, and that together we can receive the grace of life. What this means is that there is an aspect of grace we will miss if we do not enthrone our wives spiritually. This grace must be received together as fellow heirs. When a will is created, it is usually stipulated that each party will receive an equal share of the inheritance. The husband can receive his share only when the wife also receives her share. This is what it means to be joint heirs or fellow heirs. There is the sense of equality between the two. We have seen this demonstrated in the Godhead, where all the three persons in the Godhead are equal. Yet the Son submitted to the Father, leaving an example for wives to submit to their husbands. And just as Christ submitting to God does not take away His equality with the Father, the submission of the wife does not take away her equality with her husband.
Chapter 9
The Foundation For Bringing Up Children
Most of us are familiar with the words of Jesus in John 17:20-21: “I do not ask on behalf of these alone, but for those also who believe in Me through their word; that they may all be one; even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me.” When we look at this prayer of Jesus, we rightly apply it in relation to brothers and sisters in the church. But we can also apply it to a Christian family. It is God’s will that a husband and wife should be one as the Father and the Son are one.
In some cases, it may be easier to seek oneness with the brothers or sisters in the church than to seek oneness with our partner at home. My hope is to show you that it is just as important to be one in a home. It doesn’t happen automatically, though. In a church, as born-again believers, we come together and agree on so many things. Still it takes a considerable amount of time and effort to come to a place of oneness. It is something we must keep working on until it happens. The same applies to married life. We must never give up that goal of becoming one with our spouse as Father and Son are one, however long it may take.
Oneness — An Important Foundation
Oneness doesn’t mean that both partners necessarily see everything the same way. The oneness of the Father and the Son is oneness of the Spirit. Because God is a spirit, they have oneness in spirit. However, we have the limitations of our flesh. So, it is possible that a husband and his wife may view things differently, but that need not affect their oneness. I believe oneness is an important foundation in bringing up of our children in a God-fearing way. What memories do you want your children to have as they grow up? Even if their parents are imperfect in so many ways, I hope that they never saw dissension or strife at any time between their parents. I think that is one of the greatest inheritances that we can give to our children. We know how it is in the world – there is no oneness. That is why we have to be very careful to preserve our home as a place of peace.
Jesus spoke about this in Luke 10:5, “Whatever house you enter, first say, ‘Peace be to this house.’ If a son of peace is there, your peace shall rest upon them; if not, it will turn to you again.” In effect, Jesus said to His disciples, “When you go to a town, look for a peaceful home in it.” Jesus realised that there are so many homes where there is plenty of strife and tension. Jesus not only spoke about a house of peace, but also spoke about the man of the house being a man of peace. What a wonderful title we can have from the Lord – a man or woman of peace. It would be wonderful if all brothers were men of peace and all sisters were women of peace. A man or woman of peace is one who loves peace and hates strife in the home. It’s a person who doesn’t want to have tension with their married partner even for a few minutes. As soon as they see strife emerging, they do everything possible to get rid of it quickly.
How do you achieve this type of peaceful home? Remember what we considered in Chapter 1 – there should be a cross in the garden of marriage. We have to take that message of the cross seriously and die to self quickly. Don’t just die, but die quickly if you truly want to be a man or woman of peace. Your death will bring peace into the home. What is it that prevents peace? A sense of prestige, dignity, and ego. But if I am willing to die to my reputation, my dignity, and my ego, my home will become a peaceful abode. This is the way we can preserve the home like a fortress into which the tensions of the world can never come. What a blessed home that will be for our children as they grow up. However, because we are in the flesh, there will be certain situations where the husband and wife may differ in opinion. They must be free to talk about them openly, but never in the presence of children. Also, a discussion need not turn into an argument which leads to strife and contention.
Oneness — An Important Weapon
We have now considered in detail how the wife is a suitable helper given to man, and that a man becomes complete (within the context of marriage) only when his wife is there to help him. There is a need for humility in man in order to accept his wife’s inputs on important areas like bringing up children, disciplining children, relationships with relatives or people out in the world, etc. It is good for us to recognize that God gives us wives who are different from us and who compliment us in many ways. Only pride will keep men from acknowledging this. Let me repeat the exhortation from the Bible that we saw in the last chapter: we must honour our wives and live with them in an understanding way. Here, honour means to listen to her views and to have an open mind to her opinions, so that there can be balance in our life.
Also, we need to follow the order in our homes that God has given to us in 1 Corinthians 11, with man being the head over his wife. This is something we have looked at several times in earlier chapters. If we seek with all our hearts to establish this divine order in our homes, we can really lay a solid foundation for our children to grow up. We cannot build a better home than the one God has ordained in His word – a home where the man is the head, and where the woman is not just someone who does the odd jobs, but is a real helper to the man in every way; a home where the man is humble, willing to listen, and even willing to modify his views based on the input that he receives from his wife. Then wisdom will come forth as husband and wife put both of their minds and hearts together. This is why unity between husband and wife is so vital.
One time, a brother in our fellowship approached me with his four-year-old son and asked me what he should do about his rebellious boy. My answer to him was that the best thing he could do would be to become one with his wife. That is the best thing you can do for your rebellious children, because when you are one with your wife, you have a tremendous power at home which can bind the spirits of rebellion that seek to influence your children. There is tremendous power in prayers of agreement. It may be easier to deal with troublesome children when they are small. But as they grow up, the only way you can deal with them is through prayer, and for that, you need to be one with your marriage partner.
When children grow up into their teenage years and we find rebellion in them, it drives us to God in prayer. Unless we are one with our spouse, we will find that we can’t get through to God. The Bible speaks much about this. 1 Peter 3:7 says, “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” If husband and wife don’t live in oneness and fellowship, their prayer-life will be hindered. As husbands, if we are not careful to live in an understanding way with our wives as with weaker vessels and we do not grant them honour as fellow heirs of the grace of life, then our prayers will not get through to God.
I have discovered through the years that the most important thing in bringing up our children is prayer. There is absolutely no other principle which is more important. We must pray that God will be merciful to them. It is God who will work in their lives; It is God who will bring them to salvation; It is God who will help them to fear His name; It is God who will put His Grace upon them. From earliest childhood, parents should be praying for their children, knowing that it is God who will work in them. If our prayers are hindered, what will happen to our children? Never allow anything to come between you and your marriage partner which will hinder your prayers. It is my opinion that many Christian families don’t see the importance of praying for their children together with a burden and ensuring that their prayers are not hindered.
Here is another passage of scripture which has relevance to our families: “Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. Again, I say to you, that if two of you (husband and wife, for example) agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst” (Matthew 18:18-20). There are lot of things for which we can pray alone. But there are certain things you can’t accomplish if you pray alone. There must be a minimum of two. It is not enough just to pray with a burden. There must be two people praying who are one in spirit.
When it says “agree” in this verse, the word in the original Greek is a word from which we get the musical word, “symphony.” When two musical instruments are not in tune, you can easily hear the discord. Likewise, if a husband and wife are praying together and there is no real unity, there is discord in their prayer, and God can pick up on it. The type of unity God is looking for is not one which is imposed by a domineering husband or wife, where the other partner blindly agrees with everything. No! The type of unity needed is one where the husband lives in an understanding way with his wife as a joint heir of the grace of life, and the wife submits to her husband. When a couple prays together in unity like this, the promise of the Lord Jesus is that anything they ask shall be done for them by the Father who is in heaven. Many times, my wife and I have claimed that promise when praying together concerning our children. Many times, I have used that promise with another brother in the church to pray together concerning the church. It is a promise of Jesus Christ and we have every right to claim it for our children.
There are so many needs when it comes to our children. Sometimes they need physical healing. Or they may have needs related to their studies, class assignments, or exams in school. They may be harassed by a bully at school or by a teacher who is not very kind or understanding. When they grow up, they have spiritual needs. As parents, we have tremendous need for a way to tackle all these problems and others which may come up. That way is prayer. When a husband and wife are really one and agree in spirit, God’s word says that they can ask for anything in prayer. When it says ‘anything’, there is no limit or bound to what we can ask for. ‘Anything’ includes every single thing that we encounter in relation to our children and our family life. Additionally, when husband and wife are united, they can bind spirits. I believe there are spirits that seek to come into our home to create confusion. We must have the power to bind those spirits in Jesus’ name when we pray.
When these verses mention that at least two must be gathered together in Jesus’ name in order for him to be in the midst, people often assume they are referring to the church. But they are equally applicable to a home. If a husband and wife really seek to be one as the Father and Son are one, and are gathered together in the name of Jesus, they have the authority to keep Satan and all his influences far away from the home.
Retaining the Spiritual Power
It is very important that father and mother eliminate all backbiting from their lives and their homes. This is one of the greatest ways by which spiritual power leaks out from us. Sometimes we think that we have come to great spiritual heights if we have taken measures to eliminate worldliness from our homes, maybe by removing our television, etc. But that is foolish thinking if there is still backbiting in the home. I would say that it is 100 times better to have television at home than to have backbiting. Backbiting causes 100 times more damage than any television set. We can boast that we don’t watch any dirty programs on TV, but what use is it if you spend that time talking about others? That is 100 times worse. The television may bring you salvation if it prevents you from sitting and talking about somebody else. Of course, you must not allow anything that defiles you inside the home. Sinful television programs are also means by which spiritual power leaks out from us, but the most dangerous outlet is backbiting and gossiping.
No one intends to start backbiting. There is no deliberate plan to sit down and pick out whom to backbite today. It doesn’t happen like that. We start off with ordinary conversation, but before long we drift into gossip and backbiting unconsciously. I have discovered that. I have started to talk about some very good things and gradually I have found the conversation drift to talking about other people. That is why I have told my wife and fellow brothers to help me. I know I am weak and I am not ashamed to seek help. I have told them, “If you ever hear me in my conversation gradually drifting down a dangerous path, crossing the line by speaking about someone else in a bad light, please stop me.” That is one way a wife can be a helper. Wouldn’t you want your co-passenger in the car being alert if you, as a driver, doze off at the steering-wheel? Both husband and wife must have this alertness to warn each other if one senses the other crossing the red line. Your partner must also have confidence that you will not get offended if he or she stops you in your tracks. Why would you get offended by your partner waking you up at the wheel? If they didn’t, do you know where you both would end up? – In a ditch. We have to help one another very much in our conversations. Unfortunately, there is a lot of fellowship that husband and wife can have in this area of sin – fellowship in conversation about other people. The sad part is both enjoy it!
We really need to be more sensitive in this area if we are to retain spiritual power. What I mean is that we cannot loan our tongues to the devil for part of the time and then expect God to use our tongues in the church meetings or to encourage others who come to our houses. The tongue is not a toggle that you switch from the devil (backbiting about somebody) to God (giving spiritual counsel), and then back to the devil again (to continue the backbiting). We really have to be careful in this area because it is not as obvious as television or dirty magazines which we are naturally very watchful of.
When our children are small, hearing backbiting in the home can only do so much damage. But as they grow up, hearing it will destroy them. By backbiting, you have not only polluted yourself but also the tender, growing minds of your children. You may be very careful about what they watch on TV or what they read in books, but letting their minds get corrupted through your backbiting about third parties is much worse. We have to really work on this area, fight the battle, and see the seriousness of speaking evil about others.
The word of God says, “Brethren, do not speak against one another” (James 4:11). You may speak about a brother, but to speak against him is speaking evil of him. Don’t speak against or judge a brother, because then you are speaking against the law of God which says, “Love one another as I have loved you.” Thus you are judging the law of God. To judge the law means that you decide what is important and what is not important to observe from the law of God. James then goes on to say in James 5:9, “Don’t complain against a brother.” Some translations put it like this: “Don’t sigh against one another, brethren, so you will not be judged; behold, the judge is standing right at the door.”
Have you ever had this experience, where you and your wife are talking about somebody, and suddenly you hear the doorbell? You stop the conversation and hope that the visitor didn’t hear what you were talking about because you are ashamed of your conversation. But do you know who James says is at the door? The Lord, the judge, is right at the door. He was there all along when you were talking with your spouse. We have to be conscious of His presence. Whatever I say between me and my wife at home, I must be conscious that the judge is at the door. He is listening, and I hope what we speak will pass the test and be approved by Him. This is a very important requirement for unity, because unity between a husband and wife is in the Lord.
Learning From the Father
Concerning the responsibilities of parents, we have another verse in 1 John 2:13,14 which says, “I am writing to you, fathers, because you know Him who has been from the beginning.” This means that in order to be a spiritual father in the church, you must know God as a father. But as with other scriptures we have seen thus far, this also applies to earthly fathers and mothers in the home. If you want to be a good father or a good mother, you must get to know God better. The more you understand God as a Father, the more you can be such a father to your children. The same thing applies to mothers, because God is like a mother too.
One reason God has placed us as parents over our children is so that our children can look at us and see our behaviour, and thus they can understand something of what God is like. Even though they can’t see God, when they see their parents, they should get an idea of what God is like. Parents have a calling of God which carries tremendous privilege and responsibility. They are to represent God to their children from their earliest years of their lives. Two aspects of God that our children should see in us is kindness and severity. God is perfectly balanced with kindness and severity. “Behold the kindness and severity of God” (Romans 11:22). God is strict but He is not hard. Our children must see that though we are strict, we are not hard on them.
Studying what God is like and how God deals with His children is the best education we can have as parents for learning how to deal with our own children. Once a brother asked me how I disciplined my children as they grew up. I’m very reluctant to speak about how I brought up my children, because I don’t see myself as the standard one should imitate. I made a lot of mistakes. Besides, the Bible doesn’t give us many rules about bringing up children. It simply says, “Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” To bring up children, we don’t need so many rules.
There is an inherent danger in trying to follow how a brother in the church or a man of God brought up their children. That leads us to bondage. I want to encourage you to be free from such bondage. That is one reason I never say too much about my personal experience in bringing up children – because I don’t want anybody to imitate me. I stop where the scripture stops: “Bring up children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” It can be disappointing when you try a particular formula that worked for somebody else, but it doesn’t work for you. It may have been right for that person in the situation that he was in, but it may be quite a different situation for you. Imitating what others have done is a sure recipe for failure and misery. This principle is not only applicable for bringing up children, but for all aspects of life.
There are various ways in which we can discipline our children. One way may be physically disciplining them and another way may be denying a privilege, such as not permitting them to play. It depends upon the type of offence as well as their age. Physical chastisement may be effective when they are young, but as they grow up, denial of some privilege may work better. Giving a threat to induce obedience and then not following through on the threat is also perfectly fine. I have done it many times, because I see God do it. God threatened to discipline Nineveh, but when they repented, He changed His mind. He didn’t discipline them. God spoke to Ahab and threatened him with punishment, but when he repented, God changed His mind. Many times through the Old Testament, I see God pronouncing a punishment or judgement, but when He saw a change and repentance, God changed His mind. That is another thing that I learn from God.
Through all these examples, God is manifesting that He is very reluctant to discipline. He doesn’t delight to discipline. He disciplines because He must, but He has no delight in it. I felt that it was good for my children to know that I don’t have any delight in disciplining them. I would rather not discipline them, if possible. So, if I saw a change in my children, I would take back the threat of punishment. That is one example of how, if we study what God is like and how He dealt with His children, we can learn how to bring up our own children. That was what John was saying: “I’ve written unto you fathers because you know Him who has been from the beginning.” If you know what God is like, that enables you to be the same way towards your children. John challenges us to know the Father which should drive us more to God. It is a tremendous calling to represent God in a perfectly balanced way to our children, so that they don’t get a wrong impression of what God is like. We need wisdom, and we have this promise: “If anyone lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives liberally…” (James 1:5). The wisdom we need here is to be able to represent God to our children in an adequate way.
Keeping the Promises
We have seen that God is willing to change His mind concerning judgment, but when it comes to His promises, we find that it says in Joshua 21:45, “Not one of the good promises which the Lord had made to the house of Israel failed; all came to pass.” Though we find the Lord often changed His mind about judgement and punishment, He never went back on His promises at any time. If He promised that He would give something or do something, He always kept it. That is something good for us, as parents, to remember and act upon. If you ever promise your children something, keep it. However inconvenient it may be, keep your promises. I remember once, when my children were small, I had promised to take them out to a park. Just as we were about to go out, someone came to visit our home, and we spent a long time talking to him. By the time that person left, it was too late to go to the park. Our children remembered that for a long time. I learnt a lesson that day: I should keep my word to my children.
I could have told that visitor to come another time, if his matter was not urgent, as I had a promise to keep with my children. But what did I do? I had the feeling that they were only children and it didn’t matter if I broke my promise to them. I thought, let me have fellowship with this brother. I have never forgotten the lesson that I learnt that day. If I promise to take my children out, I must keep it. It means a lot to them. Sometimes they remember little things like that for years. But they will also remember if they see you take pains to keep your promise even at the cost of some inconvenience. Remember that the Lord never failed in any of the His promises that He made. Let it be said by our children that we never failed in any of the promises that we made to them, except the times we took back a punishment, because we saw that they changed their attitudes and minds. The study of God is a tremendous thing so that we know him more and more.
Chapter 10
Questions And Answers On Family-Life
Over the years, in my ministry, people have asked me a number of questions related to family-life. This section of the book is a selection of those questions - and the answers that I have given. These answers can supplement all that you have learnt from this book. However, let me say this: The general principles of God’s Word are the same for everyone; but specifics may vary considering each individual’s situation. You must have noticed that in vital matters like how a husband and wife should live together or how children should be brought up, the Bible says very little. The Bible simply says for wives to submit to their husbands, for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, for fathers to bring up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, and for children to honour their father and mother. When you think of the magnitude of these precious relationships, it seems that the Bible doesn’t give enough instruction. The Bible doesn’t go into detail on every issue as to what we should or shouldn’t do. It just gives general principles. Jesus also came and taught general principles. He didn’t come with ten thousand rules.
In the Old Covenant, it was different. There were so many commandments, getting into every minute detail of individual and corporate life. There were scribes and priests who knew the rules concerning every little thing – and so they could tell the Israelites what they should or shouldn’t do. Even if a lizard fell into a pot, there was a verse to tell them what they should do with the pot. Or if they found a bird with its little one, the Law told them exactly what to do. There were specific answers to small issues like these.
Under the New Covenant however, it is very different - because God has replaced all those laws with the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is meant to lead us into all the truth. So, for some answers in this section, I am just expressing my own viewpoint. They are not commandments of God that you have to follow exactly. Paul once said, concerning marriage, “I give my opinion; this is not the Lord’s commandment. I give my opinion as one who has found mercy of the Lord to be faithful” (1 Corinthians 7:25). We need to distinguish between the Lord’s commandments and the advice of a godly brother. When it comes to the Lord’s commandments, we must certainly obey, but with regard to the advice of others, we have the freedom to make our own choice. If you find an answer to be helpful, you can follow it. If you don’t find an answer to be helpful, just forget it. For example, I and my wife decided that she wouldn’t work, but stay at home, and bring up and care for our children. You don’t have to follow our example if it is not suitable to your circumstances.
1 Is it right to talk about the strengths and weaknesses of my husband with other married sisters?
I don’t think this is wise because of the greater tendency among women to gossip. It may be all right to share the strengths of your husband with others (but wisely), but never his weaknesses – because that would spoil his testimony before others. The same applies also to husbands when they talk about their wives. In fact, disclosing the weaknesses of your spouse to others would be like uncovering their nakedness before others. If you have a problem in your marriage, discuss it with a godly elder who is known to keep things confidential.
Even in discussing the strengths of your marriage partner, great wisdom is needed. If a sister goes around boasting about the strengths of her husband to other sisters, she can unconsciously make other sisters despise their husbands for not having those strengths. So, it is not wise to talk even about the strengths of your spouse to others. If you boast about how wonderful your wife is in a particular area, you may cause a spiritually weak brother to despise his wife, because she is not so strong in that area. We need to be very wise. Whatever we say about our spouse should not make a brother or sister less appreciative of their spouse. On the contrary, everything we say should make a brother or sister appreciate his/her partner even more. It is a great thing to make a husband and wife come closer to each other and to lead them to appreciate each other more.
There is nothing wrong in your expressing your appreciation for your marriage-partner – even publicly. But this must be done with great wisdom and humility. All that you say must encourage and challenge others – and not discourage anyone. We must be wise. Praise and appreciate your partner to any extent when you are by yourselves. But be wise in public, One of the fundamental laws of fellowship is “Be considerate about others.” Before you say anything in public, always consider how it will affect others.
2 According to Ephesians 5:24, wives should be subject to their husbands in everything as the church is subject to Christ. What does ‘everything’ mean? Does it mean that the wife cannot make any decisions concerning the children or food or clothing or association with other sisters? How does a wife subject herself to her husband, if she has different opinions and views?
I hope all our sisters have husbands who are considerate enough to listen to them. Submission is more of a spiritual attitude than a particular action. There is a difference between obedience and submission. Let me illustrate this with an example of 3-year-old child. His father asks him to sit down, but the child refuses to do so. He keeps standing despite his father’s repeated commands to sit down. The father then spanks him. Immediately, he sits down. But he says to his father, ‘Daddy, I may be sitting down, but inside I am still standing up.’ That spirit is the opposite of submission. This illustrates how there can be obedience without submission.
When wives are commanded to submit to their husbands, it speaks of a submissive spirit. The wife may do everything the husband asks her to, but she may not be submissive at all. Submission does not mean that you don’t have any opinions. A wife is not a robot, just acting according to the way her husband programs her. God wants husband and wife to be partners, to share together, fellowship together, and help one another.
I encourage every wife to express to her husband where she has a different opinion. It could be that the husband disciplines the children too severely and the wife does not agree with such severity. There were times when my wife told me that she felt that the matter for which I was planning to discipline the children was not serious enough to deserve the discipline I was going to give. In all those occasions, I listened to my wife and agreed with her. Just because you are a husband does not mean that you ignore your wife’s views. I am thankful that God gave me my wife to be my helper. For a wife to be subject to her husband in everything doesn’t mean that she can’t have her own opinions about food, or clothing, or other matters. The husband is not always right.
If a wife has expressed her views, and the husband is considerate, but still feels he should do something his way, then the wife should submit to her husband. As a wife, you may think your view is the best. But your husband may choose another way, for other reasons. Maybe you think your child should wear expensive clothing to church, whereas your husband thinks that it might be too gaudy and would make your child stand out in the church. Submit to your husband in such a matter. It is perfectly right for a wife to express her views where she differs from her husband. But finally the husband should be allowed to have his way.
3 Can a husband share matters related to the church and other brothers with his wife?
This is usually not a wise thing to do, unless there is some absolute necessity for it. To be transparent as husband and wife does not mean that you have to tell each other everything. You need to tell your wife everything related to your life together, but not matters that do not concern her.
Sharing matters relating to the church can at times be very foolish. If an elder discusses everything that happens in the church with his wife, the wife will gradually become like a fellow-elder influencing the decisions in the elders’ meeting through the inputs she gives her husband at home. That is both unwise and dangerous.
It is all right for a man with responsibility in a church to ask his wife about matters relating to sisters in the church, because he may not be able to talk with those sisters personally. But this should be done only if his wife is a spiritually-minded sister. Not otherwise. When you don’t tell something about church matters to your wife, it is a mark of your love for her, because you don’t want her to be burdened with matters that don’t concern her in any way.
4 Is it right for a wife to be submissive (according to 1 Peter 3:1-6) when it comes to physical union? I find it difficult to feel one with my husband if he does not understand that we must have oneness in our spiritual life first.
Such an attitude is being super-spiritual. Wives need to understand that oneness is as much physical as it is spiritual. The spiritual aspect of oneness is certainly important, but Scripture makes it clear that oneness begins in the flesh – through sexual union (Gen.2:24) – and that should begin on the very day they are married, long before they become one spiritually. To be one in spirit will take a lifetime. I have found that most women need to be educated on this matter. They need to recognize that God, in His perfect wisdom, created man with a sexual urge that is at least a hundred times greater than it is in a woman. And that is nothing to be ashamed of – because it was God Who created man with such an urge.
So, I have said to wives, “Don’t be surprised if your husband desires physical union with you every day of the year.” That is normal, particularly for newly-weds. A woman however, in her ignorance, may imagine that her husband is being very lustful to desire sexual union so frequently. No, he is not. He is perfectly normal! Once, a young sister, who had just got married, told me (in a very‘super-spiritual’ way), “I don’t believe in giving my body to my husband until we have become one spiritually.” I told her that she would then be guilty of torturing her husband forever, because it will take an entire lifetime and more for her husband to become spiritually one with her!!
The Bible says you become one flesh as soon as you are married - immediately. After that, you have to work towards becoming one with each other spiritually.
A word of caution here: In matters of sex, a husband must never ask his wife to do anything that is perverted or abnormal. A husband must never abuse any part of his wife’s body. God has ordained sexual union between a husband and wife for mutual pleasure and for enhancing the unity between them. And He has designed the particular organs in their bodies, in perfect wisdom, for their sexual union to give them pleasure. And those are the only parts of the body that they must use by which to seek for sexual pleasure in each other. But a husband with a perverted mind, can ask his wife to give him pleasure in a way that is abnormal and repulsive to her. To seek for sexual pleasure in any way other than the way God has planned and ordained, is totally wrong – and no husband must ever ask his wife to satisfy his lust in any perverted way. He must always respect the dignity of his wife as a child of God.
5 After I got married, I found it difficult to make time for prayer and for the study of God’s word. What should I do?
It is quite normal that we won’t have as much time for Bible-study and prayer after marriage, as we had when we were single. And this will become even more difficult, after we have children. Giving God the first place in our life is however not determined by how much time you spend reading the Bible or praying. It is more of an attitude towards God in your life.
Full-time Christian workers may have more free time to read the Bible. But God may still notbefirst in their lives. In contrast however, there are many Christians who are very busy in their secular jobs, and who don’t have much time for Bible reading and prayer - but who still put God first in their lives, in all matters. They give a lot of their money for God’s work, and they are concerned about the spread of God’s kingdom. So I would say that you should pray and read God’s Word whenever you get the time. But make sure that you put God first in your decisions always.
6 How do we make our children obey without disciplining them?
We cannot make children obedient without disciplining them. God Himself disciplines us in love: “For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives. It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?” (Hebrews 12:6-7).
If God Himself hasn’t found a better way to teach obedience to His children than by disciplining them, how are we going to find a better way? God disciplines every single child of His.
After we discipline our children, we should pray with them and say, “Let us ask Jesus now to forgive you for the wrong which you did.” That way, they will realise that it wasn’t because you hated them that you disciplined them. Fathers should put their arms around their children, after disciplining them, and pray, saying, “Lord, help my child to grow up to become a godly Christian”.
The Bible says, “Those whom the Lord loves, He disciplines” (Heb.12:6). According to this scripture, a father who does not discipline his children does not love his children. By not disciplining them, he is allowing them to go astray. If God Himself disciplines His children, then we must do it too. Don’t imagine that it is a mark of love to allow your children to do whatever they like. The Lord disciplines every child whom He receives.
I remember what a father told me once about his 30-year-old son. He said that he had never disciplined his son in his whole life. Then I understood why that young man had all sorts of problems throughout his life. He couldn’t fit into a church. He never knew what it was to be subject to authority. He had problems in his marriage. All of these problems could be traced back to his father who never disciplined him when he was young. I feel sorry for such children who have loveless parents who never discipline them. If you love your children, discipline them.
We don’t like to discipline our children. It is painful for any father when he has to discipline his child whom he loves. Our children must see that we love them. We should never discipline a child in anger. If you ever do that, you must go to the Lord and repent and ask Him to forgive you and help you to eliminate the anger from your discipline. God never disciplines anyone in anger. He disciplines us for our good – in love; and we must seek to be like our heavenly Father in the way we discipline our children too. Whenever there is anger in your discipline, you must repent and judge yourself and ask God to help you to be free from it.
Until what age should we discipline our children? There are no clear instructions about that in the Scriptures. But I would say that when children become teenagers (13 years old), it is best to stop punishing them physically. Physical discipline is all-right during a child’s younger years. Once they are teenagers, there are other ways to discipline them, like denying them certain privileges.
I never disciplined any child of mine when there were visitors in the house. But my children knew that as soon as the visitors left, the account would be settled! They could never escape the discipline needed – and they knew it. The reason I had this policy was because I did not want to humiliate my children in the presence of others. I did not discipline my children even in the presence of my other children. I would take my child away into another room, and mete out the discipline there. Disciplining him publicly would be a double discipline, because of his also being humiliated before others. Even scolding children publicly, in the presence of others should be avoided.
If a child is sick, it is best to postpone the discipline until the child has recovered. But the child shouldn’t think that he can get away with disobedience, just because he is sick. But there is no law in this matter. I believe that disobedience to parents must be punished, and you have to follow your leading on how to do it. My personal view is that the father should make the decision, because the Bible says in Ephesians 6, “Fathers bring up your children…” The responsibility is the father’s – and God will give the father wisdom in this matter.
Sometimes there can be disagreement between a father and a mother as to how much to discipline a child. Go back to Ephesians 6 and you get the answer. The mother is to leave the decision to the father. That is what God’s word says. But she can certainly advise her husband. And of course, if the mother is alone at home, and the father is away, then she must decide herself how to discipline the child.
7 If my husband is not interested in disciplining our children or teaching them spiritual things, what should I do?
The Scripture is very clear in terms of responsibility for instruction. When it comes to obedience, the children must obey both their parents (Ephesians 6:1). But when it comes to the responsibility for disciplining them, that is the father’s responsibility. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers (NOT “Parents”), bring up your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”Fathers are addressed specifically. So the father has the primary responsibility to bring up his children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
But, if the father doesn’t fulfil his responsibility, then the mother must take over that task. Normally, the father is the bread winner in a home. But, if he is not in a position to do that, due to some disability or sickness, then the mother has to take over and be the bread winner. So, whenever a job can’t be done by one of the parents, the other has to take it over. If the mother is sick, the father has to step in and do the cooking. In the same way, if the father fails to bring up the children as God’s Word teaches, then the mother must do that job. She then has to do the job of both father and mother – and God will give her grace to do that.
8 Should parents discuss church matters or financial problems in the presence of the children?
It is not at all wise for parents to discuss church matters in the presence of their children, especially when they are young. Such matters should be discussed privately by adults alone. Even disagreements between husband and wife should not be discussed in the presence of children. If we burden children with such matters, it can damage their faith and turn them away from God. Such burdens are too heavy for children to carry. It will confuse them.
Financial problems are also best discussed by parents alone. If however it is something that will encourage the faith of your children, then you can mention it to them and tell them that you are trusting God to solve the problem. If a family is going through a difficult time financially, you could tell the children that you can’t afford to buy certain items at that time and that you should all pray together and ask God to see you through the difficult time. That can encourage faith in the children.
9 Can families in a fellowship remain united, despite holding differing views with regards to family-life such as raising children, education, level of freedom given to one’s children, etc.?
The first thing we should recognize about God is that He is a loving Father who wants the best for us. He never desires to bring us into bondage. He gives us great freedom in our lives. He is not a tormentor as the devil is. People can also bring us to into bondage by imposing their rules on us. Why should you have the same conviction as any other believer on matters about which the Scriptures are silent? Hold on to this verse always: “Do you have a conviction? Have it yourself before God” (Romans 14:5).
Many problems arise among Christians when a leader imposes his views on them (on matters that are not mentioned in the Scriptures) and does not give them the freedom to have their own views on such matters. Such leaders will build a cult and not a Christian church. A cult is a group where everyone is forced to do everything in the way the leader decides and not according to what God has said in His Word. God doesn’t force people to do anything. We must also be careful in the church that we don’t force people to do things the way we do them or force them to think the way we think. This can also happen among families – when one family puts pressure on another family in the church to follow a certain lifestyle, or to bring up their children in a certain way, or to follow a certain clothing style, etc. Many people can come into bondage through such pressures. If you want to follow a certain lifestyle and to bring up your children in a certain way, keep that view within your family alone. Don’t make that a standard for others, and bring them into bondage. We must learn to mind our own business. Anything we impose on others because of our own convictions is a commandment of men - and the Bible warns us against that.
Colossians 2:20-22 says, “If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world, why as if you were living in the world, do you submit yourself to decrees such as, ‘Do not handle, do not taste, do not touch, do not wear, do not do this,’ which all refer to materials things destined to perish in accordance with the commandments and teachings of men.”
A lot of bondage comes upon Christians because they accept the commandments of men. We must never make any rules that we impose on others. We will live happily if we follow only what we ourselves see in God’s word – instead of allowing some pressure from others to make us act in a certain way. We must be free from people in this matter. If anyone tries to advise you, be courteous, listen to them, and then ignore their advice if you feel it is not for you. Tell them you are thankful for their advice, but you don’t feel free to follow it, and they will not bother you again. To live under condemnation and fear because of pressure from others, is certainly not the will of God.
The New Testament says: “Do you have faith? Have it yourself before God and live according to the proportion of your faith” (Romans 14:5). We cannot live according to the proportion of someone else’s faith. We can live only according to the level of our own faith. God loves cheerful givers, and so whatever obedience we give to God must be given cheerfully. To force others to do things the way we do them is wrong. Many pastors force people in their churches to pay their tithes. That is wrong – because God loves only cheerful givers (2 Cor.9:7). It is wrong to force any brother or sister to do anything – whether it be pressurizing them to have more children, or to give money to the church, or even to attend a particular church meeting. God never forces anyone to do anything. Neither must we. You can give people your testimony and express your convictions. But it is wrong to compel anyone to follow your convictions in any area where Scripture is silent.
Whichever way you decide to bring up your children, don’t ever demand that others should also do things your way. Don’t insist that they prevent their children from doing something, just because you don’t allow your children to do that. Don’t insist that their children should dress in the way you make your children dress, etc. Such wrong attitudes are held by immature Christians, who are insecure and seek to find their security in certain external forms, rather than in a hidden life with God. Their wrong attitudes bring death into a church. We must never bring the commandments of men into the church.
There is great freedom in the church of God. Of course, we have to be pure. We have to keep the spirit of the world out of the church. But there may be things that one person considers worldly which others do not. For example, some feel it is okay to listen to classical music, while others feel that they should listen only to Christian music. We must keep such convictions to ourselves. I never prevented my children from listening to classical or light music. But never to the worldly “rock” music. But even there, I never forced other believers to hold my view.
There are many matters on which there is no standard rule. Everyone must be fully convinced in his own mind. The Bible says, “Keep what you believe about such matters, between yourself and God. Happy is the person who does not feel guilty when he does something which he judges to be right!” (Rom.14:22 – TEV). We must all come to that level of maturity where we give freedom to one another. Don’t judge others, and don’t bring people into bondage. Strong-minded brothers and sisters (especially) have to die to their own strong opinions in this area.
What should you do if some strong brother or sister tries to pressure you in one of these areas? Inwardly resist it, and don’t allow them to bring you into bondage. Live always in the liberty that Christ has purchased for us. May it be so for you always; and may you always give the same freedom to all your brothers and sisters as well. Amen.
